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Are you ready for marriage?
“We love each other, we’re adults, we earn enough to be independent…; what more do we need to get married?”
With those who reason this way, one should begin by finding out what they mean by loving each other .
The word love has taken on multiple, varied, and often contradictory meanings throughout history.
The word “love” has multiple and incompatible
meanings .
Different loves, with equally diverse characters
A brief glance at Western literature or philosophy is enough to prove it.
The eros of the classical Greeks, the courtly love of the medievals, romantic passion, the love of giving so praised in the second half of the last century, have in common the name and some other characteristics, but they diverge and clash in other, even fundamental, aspects.
They are opposed, for example:
- in the underlying attitude they demand from their protagonists;
- in the alleged intensity with which it involves them in their reciprocal relationship;
- in the way of conceiving and treating women and men;
- in its fleeting or permanent nature;
- in the proportion in which the corporeal, emotional and spiritual elements intervene;
- in the acceptance or rejection of the responsibilities that all of the above entails…
The various “loves” share the same name,
but they are opposed in many aspects,
even fundamental ones.
Love, today
The positive side
Today, the term love is one of the most used, but also one of the most confusing, devalued and prostituted.
It is greatly abused.
Some have stripped it of connotations that were once indispensable, such as those of an economic, political or social nature—the famous marriages of convenience —thus elevating it to sublime achievements, previously unknown.
It is only right to record this fact, which is eminently positive.
The contemporary conception of love
excludes some outdated and spurious components.
The less clear aspects
But in our culture, a trend is struggling to prevail in which physical or emotional manifestations, the individualistic affirmation of the self or pleasure, and even deviant, controversial and polemical forms of love, take precedence.
Moreover, these latter tend to gain acceptance and take the lead over another way of loving, perhaps less showy but more solid.
- For example, we talk about love between boyfriends and girlfriends or spouses.
- But the same status is given to free love, homosexuality, polyamory , or expressions among which making love stands out .
- A way of saying that once had a correct meaning, close to courting or making a court, but which today, degraded and often reduced to pure physiology with a slight sentimental touch, becomes a sad grimace of true love, a somewhat unclear and ephemeral game of loving each other.
Today, genuine desire tends to be equated
with practices that deviate from its true nature.
The conclusion
That is why it is appropriate for anyone who sees the possibility of marriage on their horizon to reflect first and foremost on the true nature of human love, on its nobility and its demands .
And let him also notice the vigor and strength that love acquires when it becomes definitive through the voluntary, firm and stable commitment between a man and a woman .
It is difficult for a marriage to be sustained
on a weak or inauthentic way of loving.
2. Romantic love
His greatness
Different but convergent
Each human being possesses an original and exclusive biography, impossible to confine to preconceived schemes; and the crossing of two existences through the same desire takes on an even more pronounced singularity.
However, it is possible to outline a kind of parallelism or convergence among many of the people who are heading towards marriage.
Notes that in each case are tinged with nuances and non-transferable tones and that do not necessarily always occur in everyone, but are sufficient to point to a common path that many do travel, although each one does so in a peculiar and unique way.
There are certain realities
that
many marriage candidates share.
Unstoppable and all-encompassing
Among those common aspects, one could place the beginning of relationships, what is still known today as falling in love .
Falling in love often arises as a type of sentimental love, an aesthetic and affective way of loving , or of sympathy.
A type of physical attraction coupled with an interest in the specific person of the opposite sex whose wonders begin to be glimpsed, and which, when reciprocated, awakens in those involved an almost irresistible desire to see and talk to each other again, to know more about the other, to relate.
And this is just the beginning.
If the relationship continues, as the interaction grows, a harmony of character is usually glimpsed or seen, which increases the mutual desire to know more and to be with each other.
- The person we fall in love with occupies our entire intellectual and emotional horizon:
- We can hardly think of anything other than being with her or feel anything other than her memory.
- We read and reread the messages exchanged and already known by heart.
- We rush to our appointments and look for chance encounters —sometimes taking detours of several kilometers— to see each other once more, even if only for a few minutes.
- Goodbyes are becoming more and more costly, and only make sense because they bring us closer to the next encounter…
Lovers
cannot be
without each other and vice versa.
Breathtaking and “ecstatic”
We live more in the other than in ourselves: it is the loved person who gives meaning to everything we do and everything we relate to.
As Buttiglione writes, the lover experiences a kind of affective displacement, a shifting of the center of gravity, ecstasy , or self-exception:
- Previously, “I” meant, first and foremost, almost exclusively, the physical body itself, understood as the center of interests and actions.
- On the contrary, someone who falls in love desires to be with the one they love in such a way that the center of their own existence rests on that closeness.
The lover lives more
alongside the beloved
than within himself.
Spontaneous and unplanned
But there’s more. Romantic love is extremely gratifying and intoxicating because it requires hardly any effort.
It sprouts and unfolds in a spontaneous, involuntary way, not at all planned or premeditated and not even foreseen.
Nobody decides to fall in love with a person.
Rather, without really knowing how and why, often after a single encounter, after a more or less circumstantial brush against someone or after a long period of relatively uneventful interaction, he begins to feel affection, tenderness, interest and it leads to enthusiasm for her.
And not only because of their attractive or pleasing aspects, be they physical, temperamental, or spiritual. But also because of a kind of complementarity, empathy, or alchemy that irresistibly draws them toward each other.
The lovers seem drawn together by their mutual love,
without having to do anything on their part.
Apparently insurmountable
It would seem that there is no point in going any further in love, satisfaction, or joy.
While the initial impact lasts, the joy, the impression of growth, of being about to burst, of floating above the clouds, is experienced by the lover without putting much or little effort into it, as if swept away by the passion aroused in him by the one who captivates him.
Hence, this way of loving, often called passionate, is often conceived as the most sublime, as the “ultimate” of loves.
We wouldn’t believe anyone who suggested that it was possible to climb higher, to rise to greater heights.
Everything indicates that we are facing the highest type of love,
impossible to surpass.
Its limits
It “can” be overcome
And yet, it can be done.
Passionate love is usually experienced with great inner strength and resonance. But it rarely rises above the impulsive and emotional plane, above “instincts” and feelings.
And experience soon shows that this sphere is subject to a multitude of changeable and inconstant factors:
- mood and health states;
- perception not always truthful of the appreciation or lack of interest on the part of the partner;
- personal problems that are projected onto the other person;
- jealousy, suspicion, fears of losing what makes us so happy, etc.
It is a limited and imperfect affection, not yet love in its fullest sense.
Passionate love
does not usually transcend the impulsive and emotional plane,
of “instincts” and feelings.
It “must” be overcome
Therefore, although in moments of exaltation it may seem unnecessary and utopian, the initial affection must mature and develop.
It is neither good nor desirable that it disappears, but it is desirable that it becomes a permanent element of an even firmer, more decisive and gratifying love (in which it is encompassed and to which it is in a certain way subordinated).
Otherwise, however unthinkable it may seem, it will end up becoming an obstacle to genuine and definitive love or simply vanish after the initial period of euphoria.
And it could even give rise to the conviction that love is little more than a deceptive word, which pretends to give life to a non-existent reality.
Infatuation is not meant to disappear,
but to be included in the most authentic and profound love.
The reason for its appeal
In any case, the mirage of unsurpassable romantic love, the illusion of having reached the peak and the summit, the disbelief towards those who suggest that we have not yet reached the goal and that it is worth continuing to move forward, have a fairly clear explanation.
Romantic love is often accompanied by a certain idealization of the loved one, which magnifies their qualities and tinges even their most palpable flaws with a patina of affectionate and endearing understanding, when it does not simply ignore them.
That’s why it’s almost indispensable in the early stages.
But, for that very reason, it is not enough.
Romantic love
magnifies the qualities
and downplays the flaws
of the loved one.
Not the person, but their qualities
In this first phase, one does not truly love the other person as a unique individual, with all the wonder and inner richness that they necessarily contain.
Rather, their qualities are valued: physical beauty and sexual attractiveness, tenderness, serenity, understanding and communication skills, intelligence, joy, initiative, optimism, zest for life…
They are the ones who awaken in us that kind of pleasurable, wonderful and captivating ecstasy, which elevates us to the stratosphere and seems to give a definitive and unsurpassable meaning to our existence.
But, in reality, since it derives mainly from sensory attraction and affections, this form of loving generates a reciprocal knowledge that is still very scarce and peripheral.
Since it does not transcend the realm of sensitivity, it leads to knowing with some approximation how, but it does not lead to knowing who actually is the one who drives us crazy:
- Therefore, we cannot love him (or her) as he truly is, because his deepest personal reality has not yet been discovered .
Romantic love allows you to know
“how” the loved person is,
but not “who” they are:
it does not reveal the deep reality of their “person”.
A love that is only just beginning
The couple is only just beginning their journey together, and there is still a long way to go.
Let us not stop our journey at this point, let us not be content with what we have already acquired.
Let’s try to make love continue to grow and mature.
Because that supposed unparalleled love is based on fragile and inconsistent attributes, largely common to other people.
If it remains in that state, sooner or later it will lead to a painful disappointment, just as sparklers inevitably leave behind the dark reality of a blackened piece of wood, unable to shine again.
We need to lay a more solid foundation: channeling all the energy that romantic love releases towards the construction of a more stable and larger building.
We need to channel all the energy of romantic love
towards a higher quality of love.
(To be continued)
Tomás Melendo / Lourdes Millán,
President and Vice President of Edufamilia
http://www.edufamilia.com
[email protected]
