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Correcting to Channel Each Child’s Energy
Discipline and Affection: The Key to Channeling Children's Energy and Growth
Correcting, scolding, and punishing, also as proof of love
Why correct our children?
Encouragement and rewards are often insufficient for a healthy education.
To help children develop as people, it is also necessary to correct them in the right way.
We will help them develop moral judgment—to distinguish between good and evil—with gentle rebuke or calm punishment, carried out in a timely and proportionate manner, without unjustified regret.
- And that requires, on our part, the pertinent and essential reflection —in other words, “thinking it over carefully”—before correcting them or imposing punishment.
With gentle rebuke and calm punishment,
we help our children distinguish between good and evil.
The duty to correct
The dosage of reprimands and punishments must be sensible and intelligent.
- It is not good to constantly correct, without rhyme or reason.
- Nor should we “take advantage” of the fact that our child has done something wrong to throw it in his or her face and then add reproaches for a series of other wrong actions that we keep “in the closet.”
- Nor should we do it out of anger, because we are upset, or because we need to vent about some difficulty or setback that has nothing to do with our child.
You should not correct someone constantly,
whether out of anger, because you are upset, or to vent.
Only when necessary!
But from time to time, perhaps very occasionally, these corrections become unavoidable.
The “laissez-faire” policy is typical of parents who are either weak or complicit.
In education, too, the “free rein” approach is often dictated by the fear of disobedience or by convenience: “Do whatever you want, as long as you leave me alone.”
But this inability to correct, in any of its forms, is usually nothing more than a new manifestation of disordered self-love : we prefer our own good (not making an effort, not suffering when demanding correct behavior) to the good of our children.
In other words:
- If we do not learn to correct when necessary,
- we will be putting self-love first
- to whom we owe the son and who drives us to seek his good,
- even at the cost of our effort or discomfort.
True love for our children also leads us to correct:
to seek their good,
even at the cost of our effort or discomfort.
Correct in the appropriate manner
Correct in moderation
But it would be pedantic, or even neurotic, to have a continuous and suffocating control of the children, who would be scolded and punished for the slightest deviation from despotic rules, established by parents in an arbitrary and ever-changing manner.
For a reprimand to be educational, it must be clear, succinct, and not humiliating.
- Therefore, we must learn to correct and scold correctly, explicitly, briefly, and then change the subject of the conversation.
- The child should not be required to immediately acknowledge his own wrongdoing and pronounce a mea culpa, especially if other people are present.
- Do we adults do it?
- And, if so, how many years did it take us to achieve it? What effort does it still require?
For a reprimand to be educational,
it must be clear, succinct, and not humiliating.
Correct with great respect and affection
It will also be advisable to choose the appropriate place and time to reprimand him; normally, it will be necessary to wait until the anger itself has passed, in order to be able to correct him with due serenity and greater effectiveness.
Furthermore, before deciding to impose a punishment, it is important to be certain that the child was aware of the prohibition or command that was allegedly disobeyed.
Obviously, we must avoid not only allowing the punishment to vent one’s own anger or bad mood, but also giving the appearance of it.
When it comes to academic failures, it is important to know how to judge whether they are due to irresponsibility or to limitations that are difficult to overcome on the part of the boy or girl.
When reprimanding, it is also necessary to avoid comparisons: “Look how your sister obeys and studies…”
Let’s be very, very clear about this:
- Comparisons only breed jealousy and antipathy, and injustice on our part!
When correcting a child,
it is essential not to compare him or her with anyone.
Correcting without taking oneself into account too much
Even if it hurts us
Having to correct and punish can and should upset us, but sometimes it is the best testimony of love we can offer a child.
Love “bears all things,” we should remember with Saint Paul :
- even the pain that arises in us when we have to cause the pain of those we love most—our children—when this double suffering is necessary for their good:
- for the development and personal improvement of our child.
Precisely because it is difficult and painful,
correcting fairly and appropriately
constitutes a wonderful testimony of love.
A good thermometer of our educational capacity
Considering the culture in which we live, which is more prone to “softness” and a lack of strength, it can be argued that the effectiveness of education today is directly proportional to the parents’ ability “to suffer for the sake of making their child suffer,” whenever this is essential.
Do not fear, therefore, that a just and well-given correction will diminish the child’s love for you.
- Sometimes you hear the punished boy reply: “I don’t care at all!”
- You can then say to him, with all the serenity you are capable of: “It is not my intention to bother you or make you suffer.”
Today, the effectiveness of education
is directly proportional to the parents’ ability
to “suffer for the sake of making their child suffer,”
as long as it is essential for their child’s well-being.
(To be continued)
Tomás Melendo,
President of Edufamilia
http://www.edufamilia.com
[email protected]
EduFamilia
Edufamilia es una asociación sin ánimo de lucro, nacida en el año 2005. Su fundador, Tomás Melendo, advirtió que una mejora en la calidad de las familias facilitaría la resolución de bastantes de los problemas que aquejan a la sociedad de hoy. Y, apoyado siempre por su mujer, decidió lanzarse a esta aventura que cuenta con casi veinte años de vida y con múltiples ediciones de los distintos cursos formativos: Másteres y Maestrías, Expertos, cursos más breves, conferencias, ciclos culturales, seminarios y otros programas educativos. Aunque las primeras ediciones tuvieron carácter presencial, actualmente se ha hecho un gran esfuerzo por promover la infraestructura virtual para adaptarse a los nuevos tiempos y que la formación en torno a la familia alcance al mundo entero.
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