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The first good of the beloved
The first good: confirmation in being
1. The fundamental assets of the beloved person
The collection of articles entitled The True Face of Love has as its main objective to answer the question: what is the good that is sought for the loved person?, what is it that truly perfects them?; or, from a more specific perspective, how is love for others made concrete?
When starting a response, we find ourselves with two paths: the path of analysis and the path of synthesis.
The analysis
If we start with the first one, the detailed description of the loved one’s possessions, the path becomes infinite.
For those I love, I must pursue all the good things that truly benefit them, to the extent that they are within my reach.
But then the task becomes endless, because the number of those goods is limitless.
Why should I refrain from providing something good for my wife, my children, or friends, if it is within my power to obtain it, and it contributes to their improvement?
Entering this path leads us, therefore, into a dead-end alley.
For the person I love,
I must try to obtain
all the goods that will benefit them.
And the synthesis
Let’s try the other way, that of synthesis or summary, and we will see that the issue becomes simpler.
We can say that all the possessions of the loved one are reduced to two:
- Let that person be, let them exist.
- And may she be good, may she reach her full potential as a person and, as a consequence, happiness and joy.
All the qualities of the loved one
are reduced to two:
that they exist and that they are good.
2. A “yes” to the loved one
With all our being
As I suggested in another article, to love a person is to affirm their being, to say yes to them, not so much with words, but with one’s entire life:
- with our qualities;
- with our limitations;
- and also with our flaws, when we recognize them and know how to deal with them.
To love is to support, with our whole being, the being of the beloved. To pour out in support of the one we love all that we are, feel, can do, possess, or desire, even remotely.
To love is to support,
with our whole being,
the being of the loved person.
Seeking its fullness
And to do it all for their own good: that is, seeking to help the loved one reach their full potential or get closer to it.
The issue is ancient: at least since Aristotle.
And in our times, Pieper has highlighted it.
- When we fall in love —this German philosopher seems to be saying—, the first thing that arises in us is a radical yes to the beloved person.
- A “yes” that, ordinarily, is embodied in feelings and exclamations such as: It’s wonderful that you exist!, I want, with all the strength of my soul, for you to exist!, What a marvel that you have been created!
To love a person is to say yes to them,
not so much with words,
but with your whole life.
Effectively confirm your being
1. An effective “yes” to the loved one
“Truly real” for those who love
That confirmation is not a whim, an ineffective or inconsistent wish.
On the contrary, the main effect of love is to make the beloved person truly real for the one who loves: to make the beloved person truly exist for the lover.
I will illustrate this with an example:
- When we take a walk or a trip, when we move from one place to another, we cross paths with hundreds of people.
- But, usually, none of them is the loved one.
- Rather, they are anonymous people, about whom we cannot say anything, whom we would not know how to recognize, and who do not influence our behavior.
- It could be argued that none of them exist for us: it would be the same to us if they had not been born or if, instead, there were others (it is as if they did not exist).
And capable of modifying their behavior
The opposite is true for the person or people you love.
- When I go home, when I meet with my friends, whom I do love, they all exist for me.
- They awaken feelings and reflections, urge me to deal with them, and modify my way of acting.
- They lead me to be involved in the material and spiritual details, to make their lives more joyful.
- And, when it comes to people I love and who are very dear to me, they help me bring out the best in myself , to put it at the service of those I love.
The first and foremost effect of human love
is to make the beloved person truly real
to the one who loves
.
The two opposites of love: indifference and hate
To confirm in being, to make the loved person someone truly real: that is what love consists of, there we find its most radical core.
It will be more noticeable if we approach it from the opposite end.
The opposite of love, to which life is linked, are:
- On one hand, there is indifference, which acts as if the other person does not exist.
- He belittles him, turns him into nobody, into nothing.
- And, on the other hand, in its harshest and most accurate sense, hatred, to which death is linked.
- Indifference is, in a way, more radical, since it presupposes the non-existence of the other and acts as if he did not exist.
- While hatred becomes more active, to the extent that it becomes deeper and more real: it seeks to annihilate the subject it rejects and, if possible, ends up killing him.
Love is opposed by indifference and hate,
although in different ways.
Eliminate those you hate
Ultimately, with more or less awareness, when someone truly hates, they intend to eliminate the being of the unloved, in one of two ways:
- By suppressing it as another, valuing it only insofar as it serves my own tastes or interests: configuring it, in the words of Delibes, as an appendage of my egoism or a prosthesis of my self.
- Or by radically and absolutely annulling it (not just for me) : by throwing it out of the set of existing things or preventing it from entering the feast of life: euthanasia, abortion, contraceptives, terrorism, racist or other phobias, violence in general…
And if, due to an excessive and almost neurotic attention of each of its members to himself, an entire civilization finds itself dominated by lovelessness, it will give birth to a culture of disinterest or indolence, of selfishness, of discarding, of terror or even of death.
When someone hates, and truly hates,
they intend to eliminate the unloved person.
2. An absolute “yes” to the loved one
Not without the loved one!
Let’s return to the affirmative dimensions.
Authentic love does not only confirm the beloved person in being.
He does so with such frankness and radicalism that the one he loves becomes indispensable for everything: from the smallest and most inconsequential things, to the entire universe.
Ortega has masterfully explained this in his Studies on Love:
- To love a person is to be determined that they exist;
- not to admit, as far as it depends on oneself, the possibility of a universe where that person is absent.
To love a person
is to be determined that they exist;
to not accept a universe in which the loved person is absent.
Not without the loved one?
It is therefore appropriate to ask a practical question of enormous relevance, especially for married couples: are you able to conceive of life without your loved one, without your spouse?; can you see yourself functioning relatively normally without him or her?
It is not a matter of the other not being able to recover if, unfortunately, one of the spouses dies, with the help of God and the other people who love him.
- If not, at this very moment —now, as you read this—, do you feel capable of continuing to live without the person you say you love madly: if you can imagine, if you are able to conceive of yourself without the loved one.
- If the answer is yes, perhaps that love has not strengthened or matured as desired.
Can you “see” yourself right now living
without the person you love most,
without “your loved one”?
(To be continued)
Tomás Melendo,
President of Edufamilia
http://www.edufamilia.com
[email protected]
EduFamilia
Edufamilia es una asociación sin ánimo de lucro, nacida en el año 2005. Su fundador, Tomás Melendo, advirtió que una mejora en la calidad de las familias facilitaría la resolución de bastantes de los problemas que aquejan a la sociedad de hoy. Y, apoyado siempre por su mujer, decidió lanzarse a esta aventura que cuenta con casi veinte años de vida y con múltiples ediciones de los distintos cursos formativos: Másteres y Maestrías, Expertos, cursos más breves, conferencias, ciclos culturales, seminarios y otros programas educativos. Aunque las primeras ediciones tuvieron carácter presencial, actualmente se ha hecho un gran esfuerzo por promover la infraestructura virtual para adaptarse a los nuevos tiempos y que la formación en torno a la familia alcance al mundo entero.
