Flaws, limitations, differences

23 October, 2026

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EduFamilia

Voices

21 November, 2025

7 min

Flaws, limitations, differences

In the context of family life

Properly distinguishing between defects, limitations, and differences is of paramount importance for the education of children and for the proper development of married life.

It is something relatively easy to understand and accept, although much more difficult to live with.

But its importance in practice is so great that it can determine the success or failure of an entire family life and, very particularly, of marriage.

It is worthwhile, then, to dedicate a few minutes to understanding that distinction and reflecting on it.

Easy to understand and accept,
more difficult to live
with, and of an importance that should not be exaggerated.

In the education of children

In the education of our children, it is essential to accept each one as they are, with their differences from others, their limitations and their defects.

Distinguishing between these three realities, and adopting the appropriate attitude and behavior with each one, greatly influences the home climate and the growth and development of its members.

We must accept and love each child as they are,
with their flaws, limitations, and differences.

Defects ≠ limitations ≠ differences

Within marriage and in the education of children,
it is essential to clearly distinguish
between defects, limitations, and differences…
And to act accordingly.

Different, even in our flaws

Easy to say and understand, but difficult to put into practice

If we were to take seriously the oft-repeated assertion that each person is unique and unrepeatable, we would have to conclude, firstly, that we are all (each one of all) really different from all (each one of all) others.

And different in everything, even in our flaws, our limitations, and our differences!

But knowing it is one thing, and living it is another.

And another, much more difficult one, is to live through it with our children.
And it’s even more complicated to live it with our spouse, who is the one we have to live it with the most.

They bother us!

And the fact is that flaws bother us, limitations bother us, and differences bother us too.

And, since they bother us, we tend to lump them all together: the category of defects that need to be corrected ; obviously, for their own good (and that of our children and our spouse), of course!

There is a fairly widespread tendency to treat
differences and limitations as defects
that must be corrected.

Let’s distinguish

If we learn to distinguish between these three realities, we will save ourselves a lot of unpleasantness and quite a few problems.

Differences

Differences, in and of themselves, are not defects, however difficult it may be for us to live with them.

(It could be differences in temperament or personality, each with its advantages and disadvantages: more talkative or quieter; more reflective and even somewhat hesitant, quicker to make decisions… Or differences acquired through habit and one’s own life story: from getting used to sleeping with the windows open or closed to having a more frugal or more copious breakfast or dinner … I insist: each has advantages and disadvantages… just like its opposite).

Each person is unique and irreplaceable. And incomparable and irreplaceable, let’s not forget that.

And only by being fully herself will she be able to become who she is destined to be: her best version, as they say.

But, in any case, it’s his —only his !

different from any other better version, including the one we would wish for him or her,
the one we would like,
which would save us from problems or inconveniences, etc.

Practical consequence in education:

Yes, we have raised all our children the same way,
at least all but one have been raised… badly!

Limitations

In theory, we readily accept that we are all limited. And we also accept that we must take into account our own limitations and those of others.

(Not everyone is good at math, for example, nor do we all have a good ear for music or an ease in learning languages… These are limitations that we should accept without further ado, each of us our own).

In our daily lives, it is much harder for us to accept the limitations of those who live with us, limitations that are particular, specific, and close to us!
And even more so if we don’t have them.
And I don’t even want to tell you if it’s something we’re good at, or even very good at: something that comes naturally to us !

Simply put, “we cannot understand how he or she is unable to put something so simple into practice …”.

Simple… For us!, as will become clear as soon as we think about it a little.
Not necessarily for others.
The others are different!
And nobody is obligated to be perfect!

None of our children
have the duty to be perfect:
let’s not ask them for what they cannot (and should not) give us.

Defects

So far, the limitations and differences.

The flaws are on the other hand.

Firstly, let’s clarify what a defect really is.

It’s not a defect

We have already seen that a defect is not “what bothers us and why it bothers us,” although defects usually bother us, as do limitations and differences.

It is neither a simple limitation nor, much less, a difference.

Yes, it is a defect.

In the strict sense, a defect is something that harms the person who has it because it also harms those around them, and vice versa.

(A gossipy person, who is always snooping into the lives of others, has to fight to overcome that defect; as must someone who is overcome by laziness, even in matters relevant to the exercise of their profession or family life; and something similar happens to someone who is a “busybody”, unable to listen, rushing to interrupt and give their opinion, even when it is not relevant or nobody has asked for it).

This prevents him from developing as a person, because it also makes it more difficult for those who live with him.

That and only that.
It has nothing to do with it bothering us… even though it bothers us.

In the strictest sense, a defect is something
that harms the person who has it,
because it also harms those around them.

Let’s be consistent

Although it’s difficult, and it is difficult indeed!, the conclusions are clear.

Differences should be loved and promoted, even if they may annoy us.
Limitations must be taken into account, so as not to ask someone for what they cannot give and, above all, to ignore them and focus our attention on their qualities and strengths, which is what we should promote.
And the flaws?

Let’s take it one step at a time.

We must love the person with their flaws and be kindly and patiently ready to help them overcome them, especially through our love!
And to know and consider, even if it is obvious, that each of us struggles to overcome our own flaws, not those of others.

It’s obvious, but it’s worth thinking about
calmly, at least once:
we each struggle to overcome
our own flaws,
not those of others.

Let’s be even more consistent

I express it deliberately in a more provocative tone, closer to lived experience, in marriage and in the family:

1. Differences

I must not only respect the differences of my spouse or each of my children, but, in the strongest sense of the expression, venerate them and promote them with all the strength and means at my disposal, whether they bother me or please me.

Only then can I say that I truly love them, that I love them well, that I want what’s best for them.
Otherwise, I am denying them the ability to grow as people, as that unique person that each one is (no person can grow as a person except by developing their own way of being, not another).
And, consequently, the desire to be happy.

2. Limitations

Limitations are something I have to take into account and that I must learn to respect.

It is absurd, and a source of frustration, to ask someone for what they cannot give me, even though it is very easy for me and I cannot understand how they are unable to do it.

3. Defects

And the flaws ? Knowing that I’m going to cause a scandal, I’ll venture to say:

Our flaws should eventually evoke tenderness in us.
Not only those of the children, but also those of the spouse.
Yes: also those of the spouse.
I repeat: also those of the spouse!

But this is a topic that I cannot and should not address here, but which we will study in detail in the following article .

The faults of our spouse and children
should eventually evoke tenderness in us.

(To be continued)

Tomás Melendo,
President of Edufamilia
http://www.edufamilia.com
[email protected]

EduFamilia

Edufamilia es una asociación sin ánimo de lucro, nacida en el año 2005. Su fundador, Tomás Melendo, advirtió que una mejora en la calidad de las familias facilitaría la resolución de bastantes de los problemas que aquejan a la sociedad de hoy. Y, apoyado siempre por su mujer, decidió lanzarse a esta aventura que cuenta con casi veinte años de vida y con múltiples ediciones de los distintos cursos formativos: Másteres y Maestrías, Expertos, cursos más breves, conferencias, ciclos culturales, seminarios y otros programas educativos. Aunque las primeras ediciones tuvieron carácter presencial, actualmente se ha hecho un gran esfuerzo por promover la infraestructura virtual para adaptarse a los nuevos tiempos y que la formación en torno a la familia alcance al mundo entero.