In the first edition of Moncloa Talks, held thanks to the collaboration between the Moncloa Residence Hall and the Pablo VI Foundation, speaker Pep Borrell offered a profound reflection on dating, marriage, and affection. Before hundreds of young people, he shared personal experiences, everyday examples, and an anthropological perspective on love that invited attendees to consider what they truly seek in their relationships.

The most important decision of a lifetime

Borrell began by recounting the story of a successful international executive who, after a brilliant professional career, assured a young student that the most important decision of his life had not been related to business, but rather the choice of the person with whom he would share his existence.

From this anecdote, he raised a fundamental question: many people claim to desire a stable and lasting marriage, but their actions are inconsistent with that goal. He compared this situation to someone wanting to reach Seville while remaining seated on a train traveling to Bilbao. Desires, he explained, must be accompanied by concrete actions.

Freedom, will, and responsibility

One of the central points of the talk was the difference between human beings and animals. According to Borrell, what characterizes a person is not only the capacity to think, but also the freedom to decide even against one’s own impulses.

This freedom manifests itself in the ability to act according to one’s will and not merely following instincts. Therefore, true love cannot be reduced to fleeting emotions, but rather involves conscious and responsible choices.

Feelings, reason, and action

During the conference, the speaker argued for the need to balance feelings, intelligence, and will. He criticized both extreme rationalism, which disregards emotions, and the current view that makes feelings the sole criterion for decision-making.

For Borrell, maturity consists precisely in harmonizing what one feels, what one thinks, and what one does. Furthermore, he emphasized the importance of understanding how childhood experiences influence how one relates to others and how one loves.

The three phases of love

One of the most anticipated moments of the talk was the explanation of the phases of love, which he summarized in three main stages:

1. Attraction

Attraction arises when someone catches our attention. However, Borrell reminded us that physical beauty should not be the only criterion for evaluating someone.

As she explained, there are two particularly attractive qualities: authenticity and a spirit of service. People who are genuine and dedicated to helping others generate a much deeper and more lasting attraction.

2. Infatuation

Falling in love is an intense and exciting experience that arises spontaneously. No one can choose to fall in love.

However, he cautioned that this stage must be filtered through reason. The key question isn’t simply whether we like someone, but whether building a life together with that person is truly in our best interest.

She compared falling in love to a cake that is baking: it looks perfect from the outside, but it needs time to mature before it can be fully enjoyed.

3. Love

For Borrell, authentic love is much more than a feeling. He defined it as a decision of the will oriented towards the good of the other.

Therefore, she explained that in marriage, the promise isn’t to always feel the same way, but rather to love no matter what, in both happy times and difficult ones. Feelings may change, but the commitment to love depends on a free choice.

The metaphor of the valley and the chairlift

One of the most memorable examples from the conference was the chairlift metaphor.

According to Borrell, during youth people observe different “valleys,” that is, potential relationships. They eventually choose one and decide to stay in it. As time passes, flaws, problems, and difficulties that were not previously apparent emerge.

At that moment there are two options: leave the valley looking for another that is apparently better, or work to take care of the one that has already been chosen.

True happiness, he affirmed, is not found in constantly changing relationships, but in building and beautifying the chosen love through daily effort.

Sexuality: the language of love

The talk also addressed sexuality from a deeply personal perspective.

Borrell argued that the body and the person form an inseparable unit. Therefore, sexual relations cannot be reduced to a simple physical act, but rather express a total self-giving of the person.

Using everyday examples, she explained how each level of physical intimacy corresponds to different degrees of trust and commitment. From this perspective, sexuality finds its full meaning when it expresses a stable and lasting love.

What you see is what you get

At the beginning of the section dedicated to the criteria for choosing a partner, she issued a direct warning: nobody magically changes after marriage.

He encouraged the couple to get to know each other deeply, to speak honestly about their virtues and flaws, and to avoid the temptation to think that the other will change on their own over time.

Open communication, mutual understanding, and realistic acceptance of the other person were presented as essential elements for building a strong relationship.

A love that is built every day

Throughout the entire conference, Pep Borrell emphasized a fundamental idea: relationships are not found, they are built.

Lasting love does not depend solely on initial attraction or the intensity of infatuation, but on constant work, daily dedication, and the free decision to seek the good of the loved one.

In a cultural context where many relationships seem increasingly fragile, her message was an invitation to recover a vision of love based on commitment, responsibility, and the hope that a lifelong love story is still possible.