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Fertility and greatness of the person
Returning to the thread of what was presented in the preceding article, I will ask again: what explains the compelling inclination to give, characteristic of both men and women?
Elsewhere, when speaking directly about happiness, I have explained it in more detail.
And maybe I’ll come back to it later.
Here, it will suffice to answer:
- The reason why women and men naturally tend to give themselves to each other is precisely their greatness, the constitutive superiority of their being, the fecundity derived from their condition as persons .
The greatness of the human person,
his fruitfulness,
impels him to give himself.
An “excess” of reality
In the whole of reality, everything inferior to man, because of its indigence or precariousness, seeks exclusively its own perfection or that of its species, which allows it to maintain itself in being: it could be said that it pursues, exclusively, its own survival (of the individual and of the species).
On the contrary, the superior degree of being proper to the person makes him, so to speak, superfluous in reality.
- Hence, she is intimately inclined to give herself, to forget herself and to pursue, through love, the improvement of others.
- Hence, in other words, its characteristic fecundity.
- (The “excess” of reality in the person tends to overflow and constitutes the peculiar personal fecundity)
Fertility is linked to the excess of being that
is inherent in any person.
From the beginning of existence
In a somewhat indirect way, but with keen intuition, Mercedes Arzú de Wilson suggests it:
- The helpless child, at least in the early stages of development, appears to be just a collection of needs.
- But the child is more than that; he is a spiritual being.
- Therefore, what is subsequently revealed as decisive is whether the child is loved [or not] and whether the satisfaction of his needs is accompanied by love.
- In fact, it is more important that the child is loved than whether or not a certain number of his objective needs are met.
From its very first moments, the personal condition of the human being demands, not the satisfaction of one’s own needs, but openness to reciprocal giving.
It is more important that the child be loved
than that a certain number of his objective needs
be met.
And in the “best moments” of life
It is understandable, then, considering this inclination towards giving, the cry of the poet: “how I wish I were that which I give you, and not the one who gives it to you” (Pedro Salinas).
And it is also understandable as a nostalgic and always unsatisfied longing: how I wish !
Indeed, a man and a woman in love, no matter how hard they try, cannot give up their entire being at once, definitively and completely .
Even when they carry out a comprehensive and lifelong commitment of love, which also extends to sexual dimensions —as happens in marriage—, they remain, to use the poet’s words, too much their own .
In this case too, the lyricism expresses it elegantly, through Rafael Morales :
- What a pity to be two, to love each other / and be filled with delirium. // What a pity to be two, what a pity / to think that they are two paths… / Oh, how terrible it is to think / that two are never the same, / that two different winds / lead different paths.
Man’s most imperative need,
a consequence of his constitutive fecundity,
is to give himself more and more… and more and more and more.
2. Fecundity, surrender and primacy of the you
The priority of the other: I give myself to you, for you!
We are nearing the end of this series of articles.
We have already verified that, from the point of view of their most intimate nature, because of their fruitfulness, every person is called to give themselves.
And this, to the point that, if he does not do it, he frustrates his own being, unravels , and sinks into misery.
The lack of love, the failure to give oneself,
opposes one’s personal condition and damages it.
Reasons for delivery
But one might still ask: specifically, in the reality of marriage, for example, what should be the reasons for self-giving?
And here, the famous soulmate of Plato’s myth hasn’t helped us much.
Because it is true that men and women are in a certain way complementary (I prefer to say that they are reciprocal: that the man “brings out” the best in himself when he gives himself to the woman he loves and that the woman approaches her own fulfillment when she gives herself to the man she loves).
It is also true that the desire to unite with the person who perfects him (and because he perfects him) constitutes one of the impulses to desire that surrender.
And that this complementarity or reciprocity is included among the ingredients of love.
Complementarity and reciprocity between men and women
facilitate mutual giving.
The radical reason for surrender
But complementarity-reciprocity is not the highest cause or the most radical motive of surrender, although it is often its trigger.
Nor is it what makes love formally human.
On the contrary, what specifies true personal love is what we are calling “fecundity”, to which is linked the search for and surrender to the other as other: what could be described as the radical primacy of the you.
It is precisely the fecundity of the person,
his “excess” of being,
that makes possible the forgetting of oneself
and the radical surrender to the other, to the you.
Shift the center of gravity
As Carlo Caffarra writes , largely summarizing what has been seen so far,
- … the person who intends to love authentically is not the one who seeks the beloved because it is useful for me that you exist, because it gives me pleasure to have you for myself, or because it is necessary for me that you exist to satisfy my needs.
- One is open to true love when one says of the beloved, “How wonderful that you exist within yourself and for yourself,” and “I dedicate myself to helping you bring the best of yourself to fulfillment.”
- because his understanding has deeply perceived the intrinsic value of the other and his will opens him to give himself to the other in the task of perfecting the realization of his good or intrinsic value.
Love is only understood
by shifting the center of gravity
towards the other, towards you.
Love for others and love for oneself
The true “orientation” of love
Continuing with the same idea, contrary to a fairly widespread opinion today, genuine love does not have the self as its point of reference .
- As I pointed out at the time, pursuing one’s own good, self-realization, shows, more than kindness, that one is clever or clever.
- And bringing harm upon oneself is not characteristic of the wicked, but rather of the fool.
On the contrary, true love inevitably leads to the perfection of the other person.
True love
seeks the good of others,
not one’s own good.
Fertility and egocentrism
This conviction is confirmed by Juan Bautista Torelló, after many years of practice as a psychiatrist in Central Europe, with these profound statements:
- Emotional maturity depends on the capacity to love, and it is egocentrism that makes one incapable of love, whether human love or divine love.
- To mature, it is necessary to move beyond living for myself—egotistical—and achieve living for you.
Something very similar, with different perspectives and in a clearly different context, is expressed by Pepita Jiménez, in Juan Valera’s immortal production, addressing Don Luis Vargas:
- If love is what you say, if it is dying to oneself to live in the beloved, then true and legitimate love is mine, because I have died to myself and only live in you and for you.
To mature, it is necessary to move beyond living for myself
and achieve living for you.
The fecundity of love: an explicit and authoritative confirmation
To all of the above, and addressed in this case in a very particular way to believers, we should add the words with which Pope Francis addresses a conviction that is very widespread today, but false: that, in order to love others, one must first love oneself.
Let’s look at it in the Pope’s own words, which I will present in several steps to make them more understandable.
A) A fairly widespread mistake, but one that should be corrected
First of all, the fact, followed by a first amendment from the Pope:
- [A widely known but erroneous fact] We have said many times that to love others you must first love yourself.
- [Correction] However, this hymn to love states that love “does not seek its own interest , ” or “does not seek what is its own.”
- [Correction] This expression is also used in another text: “Do not be enclosed in your own interests, but seek the interests of others” ( Phil 2:4).
Love does not seek its own interest.
B) A new correction of the error
The Pope immediately corrects himself, formally and explicitly:
- Given such a clear statement from Scripture, we must avoid prioritizing self-love as if it were nobler than giving of oneself to others.
- A certain priority of self-love can only be understood as a psychological condition, since whoever is incapable of loving himself finds it difficult to love others: “He who is stingy with himself, with whom will he be generous? […] No one is worse than the miser with himself” ( Sir 14:5-6).
“We must avoid
prioritizing
self-love.”
C) The radical and definitive rectification
Following this, Pope Francis gave a definitive and complete answer, drawing on the teachings of Thomas Aquinas:
- But Saint Thomas Aquinas himself explained that “it belongs more to charity to want to love than to want to be loved” and that, in fact, “mothers, who are the ones who love the most, seek more to love than to be loved.”
- Therefore, love can go beyond justice and overflow freely, “without expecting anything in return” ( Lk 6:35), until it reaches the greatest love, which is “giving one’s life” for others ( Jn 15:13).
- Is this selflessness, which allows giving freely and giving until the very end, still possible?
- It is certainly possible, because that is what the Gospel asks: “What you have received freely, give freely” ( Mt 10:8).
“We must avoid prioritizing self-love
as if it were nobler than giving of oneself to others.”
Fertility, an indicator of good love
1. Love and fertility
The what and the how
Everything seen so far could be summarized in two ideas, which I will illustrate with two quotes, plus a comment, which I will explain in the next section.
A) First idea: the fecundity of love
Love, all love, each in its own way, is always fruitful: it originates reality, perfections, development: it guides and directs towards fullness.
And hence the Platonic definition, recalled by Ortega:
- Love is the desire to beget in beauty, tíktein en tò kaló —said Plato.
- To beget, creation of the future.
- Beauty, optimal life.
- Love implies an intimate attachment to a certain type of human life that seems to us the best and that we find preformed, hinted at in another being.
Love discovers the perfection of the beloved
and encourages and helps him to achieve it.
Therefore, because of its characteristic fertility, love is the driving force and the key to all education, both within and outside the family.
And, from that point of view, it is also the driving force behind any truly human formation process.
All love is fruitful,
each with its own unique and characteristic fruitfulness.
B) Second idea: (fecundity) “through” one’s own giving
The characteristic fruitfulness of love is always achieved through one’s own surrender and availability.
Educators, friends, parents, and lovers should reflect on this matter.
And Augustine of Hippo could help them , with his famous words, often quoted so incompletely that it eliminates their demanding nature:
- Dilige, et quod vis fac …: Love and do what you will: if you are silent, be silent out of love; if you shout, shout out of love; if you correct, correct out of love; if you forgive, forgive out of love.
- Let the root of charity exist within you; from that root nothing but good can spring.
The magnitude of fertility is measured, to a large extent,
by the quality of delivery.
Three levels and modes of fertility
The fecundity or creative force of love acts on three different levels and with varying degrees of certainty.
A) Fertility in the one who loves
Love is always effective for the one who loves, provided that they have made an effort and continue to strive to make their love authentic: to truly seek the good of the other.
He who acts in this way, without intending to, sees his own perfection and the consequent happiness increase: he develops as a person and is and perceives himself to be happier.
Love always exalts the lover,
the one who actively practices loving.
B) Fecundity in the one who is loved
It is also very often effective for those who know and feel loved.
“Where there is no love, put love and you will find love,” is one of the most famous statements of Saint John of the Cross.
And, from this perspective, true love, the genuine search for the good of the other, is the key to any formation process .
However, in this case, the freedom of the loved one may reject the love offered to them or be unwilling to carry out what would be required to make their own love arise or grow, and with it, their personal improvement.
In any case, although loving another person does not always produce results of improvement in them, it is almost (or without almost) the only way to bring them about: without love, it is very difficult to help anyone improve as a person and approach their full potential.
Loving the person we intend to help
is the first requirement
for our help to be truly effective.
C) Fertility in those who participate in that reciprocal love
Finally, the fullness of mutual love demands to overflow for the benefit of others, so that the love of the first two will also be improved and increased.
The most authentic love is expressed very particularly in the third person, by making others participants in the reciprocal love.
And it is also in the third person that its most fecundity is ultimately expressed.
Love is complete
and unfolds its full fruitfulness
when it overflows
for the benefit of others.
The fruitfulness of conjugal love
Therefore, and just as an example:
- When a marriage does not receive the blessing of children in whom to place their mutual affection,
- or even when the spouses have voluntarily prevented those children from being conceived or born and have later repented,
- Love demands that we seek the good of others.
But it should not be sought in isolation, but as a result of the love that husband and wife give each other, although each of them can also exercise it —the love of both— on their own.
Similarly, and more commonly, children should be raised, even when only one of the spouses acts directly, with the common love that both spouses have for each other.
- As Thomas Aquinas reminds us, that which has given rise to a reality must be the cause of its development: conjugal love, when it comes to children.
Each spouse should love their children
with the same love that the two spouses
have for each other.
2. Authentic fertility
A “no” to activism
Love is not easy
In any case, it will never be solely or fundamentally about doing, as contemporary activism suggests.
But before and above all, to love, even knowing, in the words of Benavente, that:
- Love has to go to school.
“Love has to go to school.”
To which we must add Rilke’s accurate judgment:
- Love is also good, because love is difficult.
- Love from person to person: this is perhaps the most difficult thing that has been entrusted to us, the ultimate, the final test and exam, the work for which all other work is only preparation.
Learn to love!
It seems, then, that love does not dispense, but rather demands the greatest skill one can achieve in each circumstance.
It therefore demands the corresponding preparation to achieve it, the necessary and constant training process, also in the most disparate situations: in marriage itself, in the family as a whole, in professional work…
And therefore, without works, among others, those of the intelligence that inquires and finally understands, that love is not complete.
True love is also fruitful
because it demands corresponding action.
True love overcomes “incompatibilities”
Taking these premises into account, perhaps many internal frictions, resulting from false alternatives, could be avoided:
- such as working excessively outside the home, or striving to do things in the social sphere, with friends or acquaintances,
- or to give preferential attention to the other spouse and the children.
When all these actions are born out of love, the supposed incompatibility between them disappears, not only in theory, but also in practice, although to achieve this it is sometimes necessary to have a good dose of cunning and ingenuity.
When love is authentic and deep,
many supposed incompatibilities disappear.
This idea can be illustrated with a few words from Francisco Gómez Antón, a professor with many years of university experience and great success among his students.
When asked about the secret of his success in the classroom, he replied:
- To give a good class, you have to do many things. The first of these is to really care about your students.
To elaborate: to do a good job, whatever it may be, the first condition is to love those to whom the fruit of that labor is destined.
Love is a condition for authentic effectiveness and fruitfulness
in any truly human task.
Another “no” to speed
A lifetime to love
Finally, it is worth remembering that the perfection achieved through love is not a matter of an instant, or even of years, but a lifelong task .
Hence, among other reasons, the unique role of the family, as Mazzini recalls.
- Because the family possesses a precious gift, very rare outside of it: persistence.
And he adds:
- Affections are woven slowly, unnoticed; but, tenacious and lasting, they intertwine with you day by day, like ivy around a tree; they are, in short, very often identified with your own life.
- Often you don’t even discern them, since they are part of yourselves; but when you lose them, you feel as if you are missing something intimate, something necessary to be able to live.
Because learning to love is a lifelong task,
family is essential to achieving it.
In Praise of Slowness
Therefore, we must arm ourselves with patience and, what is much more difficult in these times, as Carlos Cardona commented with a touch of irony, forget about speed.
Within such a context, let us read Thibon:
- Consider this: the higher an act is in the hierarchy of values [the more important it is], the less interest there is in it being done quickly. […]
- It’s excellent when a lover rushes to a date.
- However, if, having barely reached his beloved’s feet, he begins to worry about the time, the fullness of the exchange is seriously compromised.
- “Love and haste make a bad pair,” Milosz said.
- Everything that, in time, approaches eternity requires long periods of maturation and waiting .
The improvement that arises from love
is a lifelong task.
The inherent fertility of love
develops throughout one’s entire existence.
(To be continued)
Tomás Melendo,
President of Edufamilia
http://www.edufamilia.com
[email protected]
