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Parental example and consistency
Children learn more from what we do than from what we say: the power of example and parental consistency
Parents educate or de- educate,
above all, with their example
and their coherence in life.
The example of those they admire most
Children tend to imitate the example of adults, especially those they love or admire the most and those closest to them: in affection, in space, and in time.
Specifically, they never lose sight of their parents; they constantly observe them, especially in the early years; and something very similar happens with close family: grandparents, aunts and uncles, domestic help, etc.
They see even when they are not looking and hear even when they are or seem to be super busy, playing and absorbed in their things .
They possess a kind of radar that intercepts all the actions and words of those around them, in the same proportion that those who carry them out or pronounce them are significant to them.
Children tend to imitate the example of adults,
especially those they love or admire the most.
The examples that leave the greatest mark
Therefore, a clear hierarchy or gradation of influences on children can be established:
1. The people
Those who influence our children the most are people , and in particular, those who love them the most and whom they love the most: usually, ourselves, that is, their parents (the main source of example for them), close relatives, teachers, our friends and acquaintances – in particular, those who spend the most time with us – etc.
Let us not forget that the development of people (as people ) is achieved only through close personal contact , imbued with real love and affection.
The development of people is achieved only
through personal treatment,
imbued with real love and affection.
2. The first experiences
All the experiences of our children’s early years also leave a deep mark, graded according to the emotional meaning they have for them.
- Firstly, the example, attitudes and behaviour of the other people with whom they live most: siblings, grandparents, uncles and cousins, etc.
- Next, animals and plants, especially when they are the ones who take care of them.
- Along the same lines would be stuffed animals and other dolls and toys, or even furniture or household items, particularly those that the child’s imagination brings to life, with which they spend time, converse, and amuse themselves, often turning them into friends and confidants of their nascent but profound inner life.
- Furthermore, the wonderful whole of nature, to the extent that we know how to put them in contact with it and give value to that relationship, again mainly by our own example.
The first years are decisive
for the development of the human being.
3. “Devices” are not an example
They seem so
On the contrary, artifacts in general, even the most sophisticated computers or the supposedly most educational computer games and programs (promoted and sold as such), neither form nor even instruct them.
- They can certainly distract and entertain you for days, months, and years.
- They can exert a powerful attraction over them, particularly when they have served as substitutes for the personal presence of parents and teachers.
- They can make you spend hours in contact with them, completely absorbing your attention.
- But entertaining is not the same as educating, or even informing or instructing: this entertainment moves on the surface, turning our children into superficial people.
Entertaining is not the same as educating…
or even informing or instructing.
Without really being one
In fact, it is increasingly clear that the artificial means we make available to them are not an example for our children.
In the first years of a child’s life, everything is mediated by the personal relationship with those who love him and those he loves.
If there is no one close to them who connects the rest of the realities with their childhood life, they will hardly be part of their future baggage.
In a child’s early years,
everything is mediated by personal relationships
with loved ones.
4. The absence of personal example
As substitutes
Only when that personal relationship is missing, and to the same degree as it is missing, do our children replace it with an imaginary but solid connection with the fictional characters who are part of their virtual world and, then, serve as an example and reference.
In such circumstances, these characters will have a powerful influence on their way of being and acting, and not always according to the model of humanity we want for them.
In the absence of the right people,
our children substitute other realities.
When people are missing
Hence the tremendous importance of maximizing our personal contact —time and intimacy: father and mother—with each of our children, and of also fostering contact with other people who truly love them and seek their well-being.
Because only the people with whom they share bonds of affection or disaffection help them discern what is or is not relevant and convenient, both on the moral level and on the psychological and more strictly cognitive level.
The personal example received during childhood
powerfully shapes
our children’s vision of reality
and their own personalities!
The particular force of example
Furthermore, personal example has an irreplaceable pedagogical value, as an incitement, confirmation and encouragement.
In external activities
What I have just suggested applies first of all to the set of actions that make up the “external” life of our children:
- There is no better way to teach a child to jump into the water than to do it with him or before him (even without saying anything about it).
- And also to eat everything: the “I don’t like it” should be banished from every family, starting with the parents!
- To set and clear the table or the dishwasher, to make the bed and tidy your room, to go to the supermarket.
- Maintain a tone of correctness at home: in dress, posture, and speech, to give a couple of examples.
Starting with the most external,
the quintessential role model for our children
is their own parents.
In the formation of his personality
But exactly the same, or even more, can be said of their inner attitudes, which shape their personality, for better or worse.
What we do or don’t do will help them enormously:
- To control anger and tantrums or physical or mental discomfort.
- Don’t take out your bad mood on the first person you meet.
- To be more concerned about his brothers than about himself:
♦ The ultimate test of a home’s performance is not what a child is willing to do for his or her parents: usually, a lot or everything, if the family is functioning .
♦ The real test is what each brother is capable of doing for the other brothers, especially when the task in question falls to another of those brothers.
- And to embody a myriad of qualities or virtues, which are assimilated as if by osmosis when seeing them reiterated in the example of parents, particularly when they relate to each other.
Personal example is absolutely irreplaceable:
it helps shape our children’s activities
and shapes their very way of being.
The appeal of a life with coherence
Coherence of life
Words fly by, but examples remain, illuminating behaviors, awakening and inspiring.
And this is precisely because behaviors are usually provided with an emotional charge, which simple words do not usually have.
As JS Mill recalls:
- “What builds character is not what a boy or girl can repeat by heart, but what they have learned to love and admire.”
Gestures often carry more emotional weight than words,
which is why they have a greater influence on our children.
Lack of coherence
At the other extreme, the lack of coherence between what is advised and what is lived, together with the absence of reciprocal love between husband and wife, is the greatest evil that a father or mother can inflict on their children.
This happens especially at certain ages and stages of development—adolescence, but also some years before—when children’s sense of justice is rigidly established, overdeveloped, and prone to harshly judge the lack of coherence in others.
And this is not only because they are unable to notice their own inconsistency, but perhaps precisely because of this lack of ability to judge themselves (and, therefore, to judge anyone else appropriately).
Along with the lack of love,
the habitual lack of coherence
between what is recommended or discouraged and what is actually experienced
causes serious harm to our children.
To facilitate consistency: household rules
To avoid inconsistencies, or, to put it positively, if we want to be consistent parents who serve as an example to their children—without needing to be “exemplary”—there is a kind of precept whose importance cannot be overstated.
It is about:
- Minimize the rules governing living at home.
- Ensure that everyone complies with them, starting with ourselves, the parents, as a clear and exemplary demonstration of consistency.
- Ensure that these are objective standards, that is, in accordance with real good and truth (which again means that there should never be too many: only those that cannot be substantially affected by changing circumstances) .
Minimize rules,
always “objective”
and
consistently followed by everyone.
Manifestations of coherence, put another way
In other words, from the perspective we now adopt, the best way to maintain and foster the harmony of a home and the development of children is to:
1. Very few rules
- Disminuir cuanto sea posible el número de normas por las que se rige su conducta y el despliegue de la convivencia: ni una más que las absolutamente imprescindibles.
2. Solo normas «objetivas»
- Que esos criterios fundamentales no solo respondan a la coherencia, sino a la verdad y la bondad objetivas, y no a preferencias o caprichos de los cónyuges.
- Por consiguiente —puesto que son valiosos por sí mismos—, han de ser cumplidos tanto por los padres como por los hijos:
- También, por ejemplo, el uso de la tele, del ordenador y aparatos similares —muy en particular, tal vez, el móvil—, la visión de determinados programas o, con los matices imprescindibles, la hora de volver a casa.
3. ¡Y viva la libertad!
- En todo lo demás —es decir, ¡en casi todo!, no lo olvidemos— hay que respetar exquisitamente la libertad de los chicos, igual que la del cónyuge.
- Y esto, aunque el modo como actúen, siempre que sea éticamente lícito, choque con las preferencias del padre o de la madre: lo que importa es la persona del hijo, no mis caprichos paternos o maternos.
El amor al bien real y objetivo,
vivido con coherencia,
favorece enormemente
la armonía del hogar y la educación de los hijos.
Otros modos de facilitar la coherencia
Nuestros hijos tienen un único y fundamental derecho, un derecho absolutamente inalienable, que nadie debería conculcar y del que derivan todos los otros: el derecho a la persona de sus padres, que se traduce de ordinario en tiempo e intimidad.
Coherencia en el uso del tiempo
Tiempo, en primerísimo término.
No se puede (no se debe) irrumpir bruscamente en la vida de un niño —en sus pensamientos, en sus juegos, en sus sueños, ¡en su realidad!— y salir de ella con el mismo apresuramiento con el que hemos entrado.
Simplemente, no lograremos conectar con ellos.
Y esa falta de coherencia —no atender a lo que sinceramente consideramos más importante: nuestros hijos— les provocará desconcierto y malestar profundos y no del todo conscientes (peligrosos, en cualquier caso).
No se debe irrumpir bruscamente en la vida de un niño
y salir con el mismo apresuramiento con que hemos entrado.
Coherencia con el “tempo” de cada hijo
Mucho más adecuado a la realidad que el de los adultos
Además, hay que adaptarse a su ritmo, a su tempo, que es mucho más reposado que el nuestro.
Y que suele ser también más respetuoso con la realidad a la que el niño se entrega.
(And in that sense, it should serve as an example of deep coherence: adaptation to reality, through the appropriate “response”).
And much more relaxed
I have already said that haste and impatience are the main enemies of education.
- Our effectiveness as parents and educators increases prodigiously when we know how to dedicate the time each child requires.
- At the other extreme, problems grow, multiply, and become entangled when, due to a lack of coherence, we act hastily, trying to impose on our children a speed that is completely alien to their condition, age, and abilities… and to the very nature of the activities we carry out or that they carry out.
- They can neither understand us nor follow us.
Our effectiveness as parents and educators
increases when we know how to dedicate
the time each child needs.
The clearest lack of coherence (a case of bad example)
We are short of time
But time is perhaps the scarcest commodity today.
We often lack time for our children.
(And, perhaps more so, for our spouse.)
We complain about being so busy: we have no time for anything…
Or is it not going to be?
But do we really lack time… or do we rather have too much superfluous and unnecessary activity, which does not really benefit those around us?
EduFamilia
Edufamilia es una asociación sin ánimo de lucro, nacida en el año 2005. Su fundador, Tomás Melendo, advirtió que una mejora en la calidad de las familias facilitaría la resolución de bastantes de los problemas que aquejan a la sociedad de hoy. Y, apoyado siempre por su mujer, decidió lanzarse a esta aventura que cuenta con casi veinte años de vida y con múltiples ediciones de los distintos cursos formativos: Másteres y Maestrías, Expertos, cursos más breves, conferencias, ciclos culturales, seminarios y otros programas educativos. Aunque las primeras ediciones tuvieron carácter presencial, actualmente se ha hecho un gran esfuerzo por promover la infraestructura virtual para adaptarse a los nuevos tiempos y que la formación en torno a la familia alcance al mundo entero.
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