Some time ago, I was on a unique terrace in the incomparable Piazza Navona. At the next table, a young couple was doing their best to control their restless son. The waiter passed by with a tray full of cappuccinos, the boy became agitated, and the tray flew through the air. Consternation filled the air. The mother smiled and said, “He didn’t do it on purpose.”

How often have we heard that love is blind? It is blind, but it is not deaf.  A good relationship, whether friendship or love,  always begins with knowing how to listen. But not just any kind of listening; it’s not simply hearing, it’s much more. And it is the words of Sacred Scripture that tell us, “When you hear of joy, rejoice; when you hear of sorrow, reflect.”

Listening leads to understanding, to putting ourselves in the other person’s shoes. We can’t listen like someone who’s just listening to the rain.  That would be like putting our hearts in a freezer.  A clear manifestation of empathetic listening is understanding apology.

Couples spouses help each other understand different ways of seeing life. This enriches us; it removes the shortsightedness with which we sometimes view things. Everyone is who they are. If we were all Real Madrid fans, U2 fanatics, and voted for the same political party, it would be a drag. Understanding your partner means recognizing and affirming them as they are. And this applies clearly to marriage: “Do you love your wife with her faults?” Saint Josemaría asked. And he concluded, “Well, if not, you don’t love her.”

And after listening and understanding comes forgiveness.  Because we all make mistakes and do wrong. And let him who is without sin cast the first stone.  If we remain stuck in resentment and bitterness, we not only lose friends, relatives, colleagues, and neighbors, we lose ourselves. Wanting to assert our ego above all else and refusing to compromise is a considerable mental folly that will lead us first to routine and then to the deepest emotional winter.  If we want to build a lasting relationship, we cannot forget that great capacity we must cultivate: the ability to forgive.

It’s practically a declaration of love.  Because that’s what a husband or wife is: someone who knows everything about you and, despite everything, remains faithful to you.

Listen, understand, forgive. Three phases in building a genuine and true family.

Alberto García Chavida