Have you ever stopped to think about what you’re really doing with your children? In my lectures around the world, I often pose a question that makes many people uncomfortable, but which is urgent to ask:  Are you shaping and educating them, or are you just domesticating them?

At first glance, they might seem the same, but there is a world of difference between these three concepts.

The first step: To tame

Domestication is what we do with a dog when we teach it where to relieve itself, or with a seal when it learns to play the trumpet in exchange for a fish.

At home, domesticating translates into that daily bombardment of  10,000 instructions  that all parents repeat out of habit:

• “Brush your teeth.”
• “Don’t talk with your mouth full.”
• “Turn off the TV.”
• “Take off those ripped jeans and comb your hair properly.”

Note: it has to be done. You’re the mother, you’re the father, and basic order is necessary. But domestication is only the first step; the most superficial of all.

Educating: The art of “bringing out from within”

The word  “educate”  comes from the Latin ”  educere ,” which literally means  “to draw out from within .” Your children, from the day they are born, already carry within them their full potential in their minds and hearts, but you don’t know it yet.

When you hold your baby in your arms, you don’t know if you’re holding the next best footballer in the world, a great architect, a scientist, or a musical genius capable of composing a thousand songs like Juan Gabriel.

A parent’s duty is not to force ideas on children, but to open up the full range of possibilities.

That’s why you send them to football, English lessons, karate, or buy them a guitar. Not to overwhelm them, but to discover what treasure they carry within and help them develop it. That’s education. And one step further is  formation : shaping their heart, their intelligence, their will, their character, and their spiritual life.

The trap of “comfortable parenting”

Let’s be honest:  the easiest, most comfortable, and most relaxing thing is not to educate, not to raise, and not even to tame them.  The most comfortable thing is to get along with your children by making concessions.

These days it’s easy to buy them a cell phone to keep them entertained remotely, or to let a bicycle become their sole passion so they don’t bother anyone. What’s truly difficult is being a “taxi-driver dad,” accompanying them to their activities, being there for them, and, yes,  getting angry with them when necessary.

It’s very easy to give in to the first complaint:

• “Mom, it’s cold, let’s not go to mass today.”  – Okay, fine.

• “Mom, I don’t want to go to piano today.”  – Okay, don’t go today.

• “I have a slight cough, I don’t want to go to school.”  – Stay in bed.

By giving in on everything, you are teaching them that commitments are abandoned at the slightest discomfort.

The gift of “no” and discipline

Real life is tough. When your children grow up and become parents themselves, they’ll have to get out of bed with a terrible flu to go to work, cook, and take their own kids to school. Life doesn’t stop for a cold or a lack of motivation.

There’s nothing more formative and educational than teaching them about  schedules, commitments, plans, and a life plan.  Exceptions can be made—of course—when there’s a special occasion with friends or an unforeseen circumstance. But consistency should be the rule.

Sometimes we’ll have to argue with them, stand firm, and put up with their bad attitude. But I assure you, in the end,  they’ll thank you for it.

I myself remember the things my parents forced me to do when I was a child: piano lessons, guitar, karate… How many times did I go to school or practice reluctantly or even feeling unwell! Today, I am deeply grateful to God that my parents stood firm and told me:  “Angel, you have to go . ”

Always remember: the most fun and comfortable thing is not to fight with anyone. But the most important thing is your children’s future. Don’t give up on the beautiful task of raising them.

Let us do all the good we can, and may God always bless them.