I am writing this article while rethinking some ideas about the art of nurturing romantic love, the origin and source of the family.

Because love is a great gift we’ve been given, something living that needs our care and attention to grow . Falling in love offers a glimpse of what it can become if nurtured. Otherwise, it will weaken. We must strive to love a little more and better each day, so we don’t end up loving less and less, and losing it through neglect and lack of care. 

“Working”  on love every day with small gestures and acts of kindness that rekindle it. In good times, and in not-so-good times, or even in the most difficult times.

The initial, unconditional “yes” of commitment is the way to make that infatuation  something stable that provides energy and warmth in all of  life’s circumstances. And it provides the freedom to focus on what’s important: truly loving the other person.

To love is to give of oneself , specifically to the person we choose to share our entire life with. And the fruits of this love are hope, generosity, understanding, affection, tenderness , forgiveness … 

We’re going to explore some essential tips on this journey of learning to love more deeply and effectively the person who has illuminated our entire universe… and then try to live it out . This person is so great, possesses such profound dignity, that they need to love and feel loved. We are born for this . Everything else fades away; only love remains.

1. Trust

Trust is the foundation of personal relationships, and even more so in love. It means always trusting the other person, seeing the good and beautiful qualities they possess, their strengths and qualities, their good intentions, their effort to love and bring joy to life. Furthermore, by trusting them, we set that ideal and  allow them to be themselves and strive for their best. 

In that vein, I leave you with a quote from the «Amoris Laetitia»:

“Trust makes a relationship of freedom possible. It’s not necessary to control the other person, to meticulously follow their every move, to prevent them from slipping through our fingers. This freedom allows the relationship to flourish and not become a closed circle with no horizons… At the same time, it makes sincerity and transparency possible, because when one knows that others trust them and value the basic goodness of their being, then they can show themselves as they truly are, without hiding anything.”

2. Discovering talents

It’s much better, and more effective, to be “talent seekers” than “flaw hunters”… It’s about trusting and giving freedom so that potential can be realized. Focus on the best in others, seek their good—that’s what it means to care. Furthermore, by working as a team, combining each other’s strengths creates a growing synergy.

In Amoris Laetitia he tells us:

“True love values ​​the achievements of others, does not perceive them as a threat, and is freed from the bitter taste of envy. It accepts that everyone has different gifts and different paths in life.”

3. To understand, to forgive 

They are the “fruits” of love. Understanding is more than intellectual comprehension: it is embracing with the heart , welcoming the other person from within. It is seeing the best in them, all their dazzling and enchanting beauty, forgiving small mistakes or different ways of being or doing things. It is respecting them and allowing them to be themselves, always leaving an honorable way out…

I’m copying this quote:

“Spouses who love and belong to each other speak well of one another, trying to show the good side of their spouse beyond their weaknesses and mistakes. In any case, they remain silent so as not to damage their image… It is not the naivety of someone who pretends not to see the difficulties and weaknesses of the other, but the open-mindedness of someone who places those weaknesses and mistakes in their context.”

4. Tenderness​ 

Tenderness is “something ignored in times of frenetic and superficial relationships.” We must value it,  especially when pain or suffering arises. Personal interaction is vitally important because of the inherent greatness of each person. To put your heart into it, to show tenderness to the other person—something so precious, simply by virtue of being human.

How can we discover and learn it? For example, by observing a mother’s relationship with her young child : how she showers him with affection to make him feel comfortable and loved, barely thinking of herself. And many fathers, so important in the family, do the same with their children, and especially with their wives …

5. Putting yourself in the spotlight 

The essence of love is focusing on the loved one , shifting our perspective from “I” to “you ” in the other . It’s about not being the center of attention and conversation. Falling in love facilitates this shift in perspective and helps us to love. But modern culture, with its countless selfies, filters, and other distractions, confuses us and shrinks our hearts if we’re not careful. In this regard, Thomas Aquinas points out: “It is more proper to love to love than to be loved.” A person is so “great” that they can afford the “luxury” of forgetting themselves a little and thinking of others. Something noble, without a doubt.

Develop the capacity to love. Move beyond living for myself and towards living for you, says JB Torelló.

“Those who love not only avoid talking too much about themselves, but also, because they are focused on others, they know how to find their place without trying to be the center of attention.”

“We must avoid prioritizing self-love as if it were nobler than giving of oneself to others… Love can go beyond justice, and overflow freely, without expecting anything in return.”

6. Freedom and patience

Trust the other person, recognize their differences, their unique qualities and strengths, and give them the space they need to fully express themselves. This is the only way they can improve, with the support and affection we offer. And with time and a little patience…

“Having patience is not about letting ourselves be mistreated continuously, or tolerating physical aggression, or allowing ourselves to be treated like objects. The problem is when we demand that relationships be heavenly or that people be perfect, or when we place ourselves at the center and expect only our own will to be done. Then everything makes us impatient, everything leads us to react aggressively… Love always has a sense of deep compassion that leads us to accept the other as part of this world, even when they act differently than I would like.”

7. Service attitude

The one who truly loves puts himself at the service of the beloved to help him achieve the best in himself , with his talents and his specific, unique way of being! He is an unconditional friend.

“Patience… is not a completely passive stance, but is accompanied by activity, by a dynamic and creative reaction towards others. It indicates that love benefits and promotes others. That is why it is translated as helpful.”

Life isn’t worth much if you don’t help others, if you don’t serve them… because it is “measured” from love.

8. Optimism and hope

Optimism is inherent in a person: striving for the best in oneself, aiming high, cultivating one’s best self, always keeping those around us in mind. It’s not about being naive, nor about trying to achieve what one cannot, but rather about aiming for one’s full potential , building upon the gifts one has received, upon that unique quality.

With the right reasons and  motivations to achieve it, with dedication and enthusiasm . And hope, which is the quality of the traveler who knows they will reach the goal… no matter the cost. Helped by a loved one: it’s a mission for two! And it’s not an impossible mission, considering what is transcendent. Love always bears fruit in some way and produces love, even if we don’t see it at first. 

“She always hopes that maturation is possible, a surprising blossoming of beauty, that the most hidden potentialities of her being will one day germinate. It doesn’t mean that everything will change in this life. It implies accepting that some things won’t happen as one wishes, but that perhaps God writes straight with a person’s crooked lines and brings some good out of the evils that she cannot overcome on this earth.”

9. Forgive, always

Forgiveness is the fruit of love. To forgive is to love. Something truly essential in any relationship, and even more so in a romantic partnership. It’s a necessary balm to heal wounds. Sometimes we suffer more precisely because we love them.

Forgiveness, as the great humanist Jutta Burggraf points out,  puts an end to those actions and their consequences, and allows for a new beginning for both parties: a blank page. Therefore, never let the sun set while you’re still angry! Resentment withers the soul.

“If we allow ill feelings to penetrate our hearts, we leave room for resentment to fester … The tendency is often to seek more and more faults , to imagine more and more evil, to assume all kinds of bad intentions, and thus resentment grows and takes root. In this way, any mistake or failing of the spouse can damage the loving bond and family stability. The problem is that sometimes everything is given the same gravity, with the risk of becoming cruel in the face of any mistake by others. The just assertion of one’s own rights becomes a persistent and constant thirst for revenge rather than a healthy defense of one’s own dignity.”

10. Kindness 

Being kind is vital; it makes them easy to love. From the moment you say “I do,” the other person becomes a part of your heart. Internal criticism , gossip, and contempt harm the person who practices them, even if they aren’t fully aware of it. If it ever happens, it’s essential to banish it  before it poisons the heart. It serves no constructive purpose; on the contrary. If you have a complaint or reproach, after thinking it through carefully, calmly, and rationally, tell the other person directly , gently, and affectionately . Never gossip. That person is precisely the one you should love most on the planet. Insensitive behavior corrodes the relationship.

Without “an inner reaction of indignation provoked by something external. It is an internal violence, an unmanifest irritation that puts us on the defensive towards others, as if they were troublesome enemies to be avoided. Feeding this inner aggression serves no purpose. It only makes us sick and ends up isolating us. Indignation is healthy when it leads us to react to a serious injustice, but it is harmful when it tends to permeate all our attitudes towards others.”

Building a family

Love builds family, bearing fruit and becoming concrete day by day in that “sanctuary of love and life” . Something almost sacred.

We have the mission to safeguard and nurture the love that is born within us, to welcome and encourage it, to develop it and bring it to its fullness. To conquer what is destined to be, despite problems and difficulties, in all circumstances of life. That which we glimpse through falling in love, which gives us its strength.

Furthermore, we can take as a reference point “the Holy Family of Nazareth, with their daily life made up of weariness and challenges, both sad and exciting,” with hope and optimism, to undertake that challenge of love, which God himself throws at us  every day… Counting on his help.