Sometimes in a relationship, one person chooses to cut off all communication with the other suddenly and without explanation. Messages, calls, emails, or any attempt at contact are ignored. This behavior, popularly known as “ghosting,” can occur in personal, professional, and other types of relationships, and it reveals a lot about what’s going on inside the person.

Why do we do that? What are the consequences? What wounds might lie behind ghosting?

Ghosting is never neutral

A first important point to note is that non-communication is also communication. We might think that by avoiding an unpleasant conversation we prevent ourselves or the other person from hurting ourselves.

The reality is often very different. Lack of communication, avoiding a difficult conversation, can also have negative consequences, and frequently worse than facing it.

I don’t want to hurt you

A common mistake is choosing to simply disappear, without explanations or uncomfortable questions. Behind this choice may lie the fear of seeing the other person suffer. That is, thinking, “If I tell them this, it will hurt them,” or “It will disappoint them, they will have a bad time.”

That’s why I choose not to hurt, not to disappoint. The result is precisely the opposite: silence leaves the other person with more questions, more doubts, more uncertainty, and often, even more disappointment.

Thus, it can happen that, in trying to avoid causing harm, one ends up causing much more harm, even if that wasn’t the real intention. One might ask: “Could it be that behind the excuse of not causing harm lies a fear of facing a difficult conversation with courage and truth?”

I don’t want to hurt myself.

Sometimes ghosting is intended to protect oneself. It’s like a self-defense reaction. In this case, once again, we see that it’s a reaction that can achieve the exact opposite of what was intended. Because we try to avoid feeling guilty, we avoid conflict and the discomfort of feeling like the bad guy or having an intense emotional reaction.

Silence also has its price. Guilt doesn’t disappear; it only grows stronger. The conversation may remain unresolved and unfinished. A golden opportunity to act consistently and address any doubts is lost.

Ultimately, avoiding honest conversation creates new wounds and doesn’t heal existing ones. You don’t want to hurt yourself, and yet, paradoxically, you end up adding more wounds to the ones you already have.

What might be behind ghosting

Behind this attitude lies a series of learned difficulties that remind us of our fear of conflict. Furthermore, they lead to a low tolerance for discomfort or setting boundaries.

It’s important to address this potential emotional immaturity. Although at first we might want to avoid confronting a problem or managing potential discomfort, all we achieve is making the problem bigger and increasing the distress. By trying to escape problems, they only worsen.

The one who is ghosted

If you’re the one who’s been ghosted, you know that it’s not just the loss of contact that hurts. The uncertainty hurts too. It hurts because you don’t understand all the pieces of the story. So, your mind fills in the gaps with the worst possible interpretations. And then guilt creeps in: What did I do wrong? What should I have done?

The lack of genuine closure leads to a lack of understanding of the true causes and hinders the grieving process, the closing of a chapter. Often, it also closes off the possibility of resolving doubts and even rekindling a relationship that drifted apart due to possible misinterpretations or misunderstandings.

The alternative: learning to finish well

There is a solution to ghosting. We could call it facing: having a sincere and open conversation. A well-prepared conversation where things are said honestly, without trying to accuse or hurt.

You don’t have to be cruel to be honest. You can speak from the perspective of “I have felt” instead of “you are.”

You don’t have to disappear to be kind. It’s quite the opposite: the best kindness is giving the other person the opportunity to understand, to improve, and to feel loved, even if the outcome isn’t what they want or would like.

Tips for a good finish

And how to make it happen?

1. Prepare the conversation well, preferably in writing to try to be more objective, and be very clear about what you want to say.
2. Speak with respect and affection, but also with truth.
3. Be very clear. Not hurtful, but clear.
4. Do not leave doors open or false hopes if there are none.

It’s important to keep in mind that the truth spoken with love can hurt, but it usually hurts less than silence.

***

Ghosting is often the result of learned behaviors, small wounds from the past that prevent us from addressing difficulties with clear and open communication. Under the guise of a well-intentioned desire not to hurt or be hurt, we choose silence and a complete breakdown in communication, when almost always open and honest communication is precisely the best way to avoid hurting others, to avoid being hurt ourselves, and to find a kind and sincere resolution.

Speaking truthfully, but also with affection, may seem the most difficult thing, but it’s always the best long-term solution. It’s worth trying.

Fernando Poveda