Courtship is not merely a fleeting romantic period but a precious stage of discernment and mutual growth, oriented toward the sacrament of marriage. As Pope Francis explains, it is “the time in which the two are called to do good work on love, a collaborative and shared work that goes deep.” This phase invites young people to get to know each other deeply, to treat each other with tenderness, and to respect each other as children of God, preparing the ground for a lasting and fruitful love. In a world full of pressures and distractions, the Church offers luminous guidance for living this stage with joy, responsibility, and holiness, focusing on true love that seeks the good of the other above all else.

This article explores in a profound and positive way what to do and what not to do during courtship. The goal is to build strong relationships where love is nurtured by divine grace, fostering virtues such as  chastity,  honesty, and  mutual service. By following these principles, courtship becomes a path of personal and shared sanctification, filled with hope and blessings.

The Essence of Catholic Courtship: A Time of Discernment and True Love

Before delving into specific actions, it is essential to understand the profound meaning of courtship according to Catholic doctrine. It is not a “miniature marriage,” but rather a distinct stage where the primary goal is to get to know each other deeply to discern whether one can share their entire life with that person. The Catechism of the Catholic Church emphasizes that young people should be instructed on the dignity of conjugal love, promoting a courtship that nurtures chaste affection and prepares them for marriage.

Courtship is a time to “get to know each other to love each other,” a time for mutual discovery with respect, reducing risks by deepening understanding. It is a tripod supported by feelings, intelligence, and will: profound feelings are complemented by rational and volitional decisions to truly love, avoiding selfish sentimentality. This positive vision invites us to see courtship as a fascinating adventure, where God’s grace helps us mature in love, as Pope Francis points out in Amoris Laetitia: “In courtship and in the early years of marriage, hope is the leaven that keeps the relationship going.“

In this way, Catholic courtship is presented as an opportunity to grow in faith, friendship, and commitment, always with God at the center. It is not a superficial trial period, but one of patient building, where every gesture strengthens the relationship and prepares for the vocation of marriage.

What should I do: Constructive actions for a holy courtship

The Church encourages couples to experience courtship with positive intensity, focusing on actions that foster authentic love and holiness. Here are key recommendations for cultivating a fruitful relationship.

1. Living in Chastity and Purity: Chastity is an essential virtue that directs our desires toward true love. Abstaining from sexual relations during courtship teaches us to love without using the other person, opening ourselves to divine love. This strengthens self-control and respect, as the Catechism indicates when speaking of the sixth commandment, “You shall not commit adultery,” promoting purity in actions and words. Practice prayer together to maintain this virtue, making it a pillar of trust and maturity.
2. Growing Together in Faith: Make faith the center of your relationship. Praying together, attending Mass together, and participating in spiritual retreats help you discern if this person is the right one to form a Christian family with. Pope Francis emphasizes that courtship involves “leaving one’s own land” toward marriage, journeying together with hope. Include practices such as Lectio Divina or the Rosary, strengthening your union with God and with each other.
3. Set Personal and Shared Goals: Establish objectives for individual and collective growth. Read spiritual books, volunteer at your parish, or visit nursing homes. This prevents stagnation and fosters maturity, remembering that engaged couples should nurture their relationship with chaste affection.
4. Building a Strong Friendship and Trust: Friendship is the foundation, as emphasized by the advice to be honest and transparent. Get to know each other deeply: discuss values, dreams, family, and raising children. Integrate the other person into your family and social world, enriching the relationship with openness and avoiding isolation.
5. Learning to Forgive and Manage Conflict: Face arguments with initial silence and empathy, asking the Holy Spirit for peace. Question the relationship constructively: Do we share values? Am I a bridge to God for the other? This strengthens the bond, preparing for the mature love of marriage.
6. Serving One Another and Others: Serve one another generously, supporting each other in their needs. Extend this service to the community, as in works of charity, remembering that a holy couple does not close in on themselves but shares God’s love.
7. Frequently receive the sacraments: Regularly attend Mass and receive Reconciliation to strengthen yourselves. This is key to a holy courtship, like a triangle with God at the top.

These actions not only build a solid love but also bring out the best in each other, making courtship a stage of excitement and spiritual growth.

What not to do: Avoid mistakes to protect authentic love

Although the approach is positive, the Church warns against attitudes that can harm courtship, urging couples to avoid them to preserve holiness and mutual respect. These recommendations are presented as opportunities for improvement.

1. Don’t Leave God Out: Ignoring prayer or faith leads to empty relationships. Always consult God about your vocation.
2. Don’t Deceive or Pretend: Be authentic; don’t fake tastes or qualities. Infidelity in a relationship predicts future problems.
3. Do Not Try to Change the Other: Accept virtues and defects; do not justify the unjustifiable, such as neglect or criticism.
4. Do not allow violence or disrespect: Avoid yelling, insults, or excessive jealousy, which indicate immaturity. Respect is key.
5. Abstain from Premarital Sex: Sex is for marriage, expressing total and fruitful love. Having it beforehand trivializes the act and can mask real incompatibilities.
6. Don’t Ignore Opinions from Family and Friends: Listen to outside advice; don’t ignore signs about habits or values.
7. Don’t Assume, Ask: Talk about vital topics such as children, work, and faith; don’t assume coincidences.
8. Don’t Focus Only on Your Own Happiness: Don’t just look for “what makes me happy”; prioritize making the other person happy and sanctifying each other.
9. Do not avoid places of temptation without caution: Avoid risky situations, enriching your time together with spiritual activities.
10. Don’t Isolate Yourselves in the Relationship: Don’t distance yourselves from God, family, or friends; dating should bring you closer to God and help you improve as people.

By avoiding these mistakes, love is protected, turning courtship into a space of freedom and growth.

Benefits of a courtship lived in holiness: Towards a strong and happy marriage

A well-lived Catholic courtship bears countless fruits: emotional maturity, strengthened faith, and a solid foundation for marriage. As Pope Francis teaches, it is a “patient, beautiful, and fascinating journey” that he summarizes with words like “please, thank you, and forgive me.” Couples who pray together, respect chastity, and serve one another experience profound joy, preparing themselves for eternal love. This not only benefits the couple but also radiates outward to the family and society, serving as a living witness to God’s love.

In short, courtship is a divine blessing for discerning and loving authentically. By following these guidelines, a bright future, full of hope and grace, can be built. May Mary and Joseph, models of chaste courtship, intercede for all Catholic engaged couples.