All of us who do family counseling know that “parents who don’t need school come to parenting schools.”
If we ask any of those who attend “how are you as a parent?” the vast majority think that “I still have a lot to improve.” I dare say that none of them would describe themselves as “great.”
Good parents are never satisfied with our work. Being a parent involves making daily mistakes, which are much more obvious to us than our successes, which are also daily and probably much more frequent.
However, do we ask ourselves or ask ourselves with the same frequency – “how am I as a husband (or wife)?” Unfortunately, I don’t think so.
Most of us in marriage experience our work as spouses as inevitable. “I do the best I can.” “I do everything I must,” “What do you expect me to do?”
Don’t be offended. Maybe I speak for myself.
There is a phrase that is no less unpleasant for being overused: “You deserve better.”
The phrase is good. And it is certainly true. The problem is when it is used.
“You deserve better” is intended to be an emotional analgesic for “I’m leaving.”
(I wonder what they tell the other person: “I told him/her that he/she deserves better, and he/she didn’t stay calm! And here I am, with you, who if you have to settle for something as mediocre as me, and on top of that he/she gets offended.”)
It is simply nauseating, and it is a shame, because used in time it would be, perhaps, the balm of Fierabrás.
“Honey, you deserve better, and I promise to fight every day to become it.”
Of course, my wife deserves better! But not “another” better. She deserves the best of me. She deserves the best version of Nacho Calderón that can exist.
The problem is that I feel loved. And she knows that I know that love is unconditional. My wife loves me, whatever version I show her. I know it and I feel it. And that allows me to settle down, relax and not live up to – not the circumstances – but hers.
That is how we slowly become the ones that allow us to say, “you deserve better.”
And what are you waiting for? For you to win the lottery? For a lighter workload? For what? Admit it, physically it is difficult for you to be better, be content, at best, with keeping up. Time is inexorable. As a friend of mine used to say to me: “After a certain age, the body goes its own way. There is no one who can tame it.”
So what? Is that the best I can offer? Is that what worries me? My body? – I would love to offer her another, younger, stronger, and more attractive body, but if that is why we are going to consider maintaining our marriage, I prefer to call it a day. If our marriage is being decided on my body, I deserve better. And if I were to decide on it myself, I would be such an idiot that she would never have noticed me.
No, it’s not about the body. It’s about who you are and what you give emotionally. It’s about being the person she enjoys the most. The person I most want to be by my side, because your absence, however short and forced, makes me uncomfortable.
The opposite is indifference. I don’t care if you’re there or not. How horrible! It torments me just to think about it.
It’s probably about making her feel like the most important and loved person in the world whenever we’re by her side. It’s about making her notice that her closeness is enough for us to feel good, and that there’s nothing in life we want more than for her to be well.
Likewise, it’s about fighting to be who she (or he) deserves. And yes, there’s no way to do that without putting our self aside. Forget about what I would like to do at this moment to do what she wants to do – or what she thinks should be done.
Perhaps we should set ourselves the easiest challenge. Maybe it is enough to fight one day, today, to be the best version of ourselves possible. And tomorrow, again.
Because if I don’t do my best to be the best possible for her, for whom?
If I don’t fight every day to be the best possible husband, I will never become the person I could have been.
