A few weeks ago, I wrote a brief reflection on the confusion of contexts that we suffer when we evaluate the actions of family life with the criteria of the work environment. Now, I would like to complete these ideas with four dangers, which according to Juan Luis Lorda, threaten us at home.
This author calls them the “four domestic demons”, and they are circumstances that we will always have to deal with so that the family environment is welcoming and not exhausting. The first of these dangers is proximity. In the family environment, there is no distance. You do not coincide with others only when you are well combed and washed; or when you are fully awake and in all your capacities, as happens in the work environment. At home, you are in the shop window 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Therefore, tense situations can easily arise; and many of them, caused by insignificant details, but which have affected us at times when we have our “defenses down”.
This danger is always and will always be present, even if it is not perceived, even among the members of the family who get along best. Therefore, we must be alert so that a small spark does not become a fire that threatens to burn down the whole house. And for that, I think that the best attitude is born from being aware of this reality of human coexistence and from being alert.
The second danger is impertinence. In the family environment, the degree of trust is so high that a family game is spontaneously generated in which everyone participates. The game consists of bothering the other; and in giving, precisely, in what bothers the most. And the curious thing is that the way to have fun as a family is to observe how the other gets upset. It is therefore not unusual for younger siblings to tease older siblings by bringing up situations at the table that make them look ridiculous, or for older siblings to tease younger siblings by laughing at some defect: the size of their ears or the need to continue wearing diapers.
This way of having family fun has the risk of hurting and generating resentment; and for this reason, it would be advisable to have moderation, and not to continue bothering when someone already noticed the previous time the comment was made, that it was not at all opportune. The secret is moderation; besides, it is part of family life.
The third danger is chaos. A house without order is overwhelming, and, therefore, there is neither peace nor the rest that one would expect to have. Consequently, a certain schedule is advisable: getting up, breakfast, lunch, dinner and going to bed. The family schedule is not only an aid for coexistence; it is also an important requirement for the physical and mental health of each member of the household. A psychiatrist, a professor at IESE, explained to the PAD professors that the human organism works biologically better when the body has fixed routines. And for that reason, he advised us to have fixed hours for getting up, having breakfast, lunch, dinner and going to bed.
In addition to the schedule, material order is also important. The home is not a place to leave everything everywhere. And in keeping the house in order, we can and should all collaborate. Chaos is also caused by shouting from services that no one wants to take on. All these details create an environment of lack of coordination that makes family life unpleasant and tiring. To change this, the best thing is to set an example, but without demanding that others do the same. Education is always by imitation. It is enough to do, continue doing it and not demand that others do it. They will end up doing it, although it will take time.
The fourth danger is boredom, that is, that routines are easily established. At home, it is easy for the argument to take hold that things have always been done this way, and that therefore, the same routine is followed every week. Inertia often wins. Without a doubt, these routines are what create traditions in families, but we must also be aware that a certain amount of surprise and innovation is needed to generate dynamism and expectation. This requires a bit of effort, especially from those who are in charge. Therefore, it is worth bearing this in mind: it is part of the task. A very suggestive phrase is the following: “to guess is to serve.” In family life, one must be a bit of a fortune-teller: what will surprise others, what will please them.
I hope that these brief reflections will help us to identify in a concrete way the expressions of these dangers in our own home. By being more aware of them, we can try not to fall into them. The quality of family life will certainly improve; and as a consequence, also the quality of our management activity.
