Everything repeats itself. The tiredness of the school year. The heat. The suitcases. The laziness, which makes us doubt that we really want to take a five-hour car trip, even if the destination is the longed-for beach or the mountains. Everything. When we return from summer we will see the same news: post-holiday syndrome and the increase in separations and divorces after the forced summer cohabitation – statistics that this year will be moderated by the crisis -, etc. We already know it, but they will continue to tell us about it as if it were something new.
A news item that I have never seen in September is the increase in complaints from parents about their children’s behavioural problems. In the consultation it is a classic. The origin is the same as the increase in separations: summer forces us to share much more time, responsibilities, hobbies and spaces with the family, and it is easier to confirm that cohabitation demands a lot. For some, more than they are willing to.
It is true that summer is a great opportunity to see what kind of people our children are becoming – largely due to how we are raising them. Are they beggars who are not satisfied with anything? Are they skilled people who spend all day making sculptures in the sand? Are they tireless athletes? Are they lazy people who spend all day lying around? … What are our children like?
What a great opportunity holidays offer us to get to know each other better! But in order to take advantage of it, we have to prepare ourselves. We often go on holiday with the only desire (very logical and necessary) to disconnect, but not only from work. We want to disconnect from the world. Likewise, we want to sleep, have a beer, a nap, play a game on the beach, take a walk in the mountains, have an inconsequential conversation with friends, try to cram a book or two in our chest and back and little else. Sometimes it seems to us that the demands of children interfere with our well-deserved rest. Their crying prevents us from entering into “disconnect mode”, their fights (which seem constant to us) interfere with our summer goal and, on top of that, there is no one to put them to bed!.
It seems to us that the children have not realized that we are on vacation and that we need to REST!, and that they leave us QUIET for a while!.
Well, I am sorry to disappoint you: your children have realized that you are on vacation – that is precisely why they do not leave you alone. They want your attention – by good or bad means – and do not doubt that they will get it.
My advice, a well-known adage: if you can’t beat the enemy, join him. Assume, from the first day, that your vacation is only for work. That, just like you, they have been waiting for months for this moment to arrive so they can get the most out of you. God willing, it will be all the good that you have inside. But if it cannot be, they will also bring out the worst in you.
Accept it: “In sickness and in health, for better and for worse, ALL THE DAYS OF MY life” – (which from that very moment onwards ceases to be “mine” and becomes “ours” and with the first birth “yours”). Perhaps we should ask the church authorities to add “on weekdays and holidays” to the marriage formula.
If you start from acceptance, you will be able to see their demands for what they really are: the clearest expression of their need and want of your time. They have no real intention of being annoying. They just want you.
Make plans with them. Think about how you can use these days to encourage them to take on more responsibility. It’s hard, but I gave up some naps to teach them to play dominoes – in pairs, as it should be!
And when the crying, the fighting, everything in the middle, drives you crazy and makes you doubt if this was really what you wanted so much. Think: NO!, I didn’t want this!, but I love them like crazy!, and remember that it’s all in the same package.
Don’t assume that good family times are only when they are playing quietly, without bothering you, or when they are asleep. That is not “family.”
And I finally come to the real objective of this post. When the summer is over and tiredness begins to take its toll on you, avoid the phrase “I can’t wait for school to start!”, even if you have to put tape on your mouth to do so.
That phrase sounds like a knife to the self-esteem of children. Can you imagine the opposite phrase: “Mom (or Dad), I can’t wait for you to go to work!”, or in a few years – remember that time flies – when your children think you’ve forgotten: I can’t wait to take you back to the nursing home!
No way! That phrase is not decent! Do you think your child doesn’t understand it? Your child knows perfectly well that you are saying: “I’m fed up with you and I can’t wait to lose sight of you.”
If you say phrases of that caliber, don’t come later complaining that your child lacks self-esteem or that your child has no respect for you. Your child will not be able to have the esteem or respect that his parents have not previously given him.
That blessed phrase reflects a whole vision of our mental state regarding the family. It is very sad. Make the most of the summer. Exhaust yourself with your spouse and your children. Let yourself be consumed. Get the best out of them. They are looking forward to it. And so will you, if you take advantage of it.
