One of the questions I ask most often in consultations with parents of children over eight years old is “What responsibilities do you have at home?”
The most frequent answer is “none” – always expressed with an expression somewhere between bewildered and embarrassed.
The second most frequent answer is “clears the table”, which means “takes HIS plate to a spot near the sink” – the glass is rarely included in the package, and I am yet to meet a child who puts the plate in the dishwasher.
When I talk about the relationship I have found between children who make their bed and the feeling of personal responsibility and self-esteem, what I find is:
- A shocking proportion of children who sleep in the top bunk, and find it “impossible” to access it.
- A shocking number of parents who DO NOT make their bed.
- A disproportionate ability to excuse oneself for lack of time (between 3 and 5 minutes, which is what it takes)
- A very limited number of children who at that age make their bed, even on weekends.
When the person who comes to the consultation is a young person over 14 years old affected by a resounding academic failure or a level of depression that begins to have serious clinical signs, the answer to “what responsibilities does he have at home?”, the almost unanimous answer is: “his only responsibility is to study”.
Well, they have screwed up! These parents have limited the entire strategy to develop a responsible human being (an indispensable condition to be able to say that he aspires to be free) to a single tool, and on top of that, the most tedious and least attractive for a child. Let’s be honest, few children (as few as adults) understand the relationship between what they study, their daily life and their options for a bright future.
Do you want your child to become a responsible person only by studying? That is like asking an adult to exercise his civic responsibility by only filing his income tax return and exempting him from paying VAT on everything he buys, freeing him from putting in the little ticket for guarded parking, subsidizing 100% of the IBI and allowing him to pee on any corner of the street.
The result of this scourge of overprotective parents, I’ll-do-everything-for-you-because-I-don’t-have-time-to-waste, or let-the-girl-do-it-because-I-spend-the-day-working and convinced that “the child already does everything he should by studying”, are generations of useless people with the sole objective of achieving academic success (in the best of cases) and incapable of making an O with a straw. Of course, with the first or advanced level under their arm, because for that they have gone to a bilingual school – which, on the other hand, is inevitable, because if a Spaniard wants to be educated in his mother tongue today the only option he has is to go to one of the Cervantes Schools that the Ministry of Education and Science has spread around the world, because in Spain teaching in Spanish – except for mathematics, which is actually a language of its own – has almost completely disappeared.
If a person does not develop their “self-care” skills – making their bed, cleaning their shoes, putting their plate, glass, cutlery in the dishwasher (well-placed, not where they fall), tidying their room, preparing their clothes for the next day, etc. How will they have the ability to take care of others?
He will become a disgusting egoist who, when you ask him to do something for a brother, will look at you in disbelief and, thanks to his lack of culture, will not be able to say to you, “Am I my brother’s keeper?”
A large proportion of the child population will reach the age of emancipation without having broken a plate – they will not have placed one in their life, although they will say that they are good at cooking (you should try it), not out of responsibility, but out of pure pleasure – I feel like it, I like it – due to the overabundance of “chef” programs on TV.
We will send them to marriage – or to cohabitation, which is what prevails in these times – without having done anything for themselves – other than studying – and of course without having done anything for a single member of their family.
Will they be able to assume the responsibility inherent to living together in these conditions? Not in a dream. Look at the current statistics on separations and divorces, and you will see what I mean.
“All I want is for my son to be happy.”
Well, give him a minimum of responsibility, ma’am! The only thing we can say about your son is that he is very cute, very friendly and very useless. If you take the tablet or the mobile phone out of his hand, he doesn’t know what to do with his life.
Please give your children responsibilities! I am getting older, life goes by very fast, and soon I will be in the hands of people who will have to take care of me, my health and my well-being, and I don’t just want a good professional who knows how to change my diaper, I want someone who will do it not just for a handful of euros, I want someone to do it because they know it is their responsibility – that is, as a full exercise of their freedom – even if it is no longer in their working hours -, because it is what their parents taught them to do since they were little: take care of yourself, and when you know how to do it, take care of those who are close to you and when they are taken care of, take care of your neighbor and then the needy in third countries that you will never meet.
Parents, – assume your responsibility: educate your children, give them responsibilities!
