Dear daughter,
I need to tell you that I’m so sorry for finally letting you lose. The proper thing is for parents to let themselves win, but not to let their children lose. It has been almost two weeks of difficult, tense and harsh confrontation, but finally I have no more strength and I have preferred that you lose than keep the battle.
You need to know that in an argument, the first one to ask for forgiveness always wins. It may seem paradoxical to you, but that’s how it is. Even if the one who asks for forgiveness has not done anything, for which he must show repentance. When we ask for forgiveness, the opponent can only give in and forgive or remain offended and demonstrate, so he no longer has anything to gain.
Throughout these almost two weeks I have insisted that you apologize, but you have not succeeded and, honestly, I was not willing to stay at a distance. I couldn’t take it anymore, so in reality, as in most arguments, we both lost.
It hasn’t been easy for me to remain so distant, to appear so cold, or to go all this time without telling you on a single occasion that I love you completely. I thought that my attitude would overcome your pride, but I see that you have turned to be like me.
I’m sorry. Pride is a bad advisor and a worse companion. I know what I’m talking about. It’s true that no one is free from it, but there are ways to keep it under control, at least that’s what they say. I have so much pride that I confess that I come to believe that no one has more than me. I got to that point.
Have you noticed that in these almost two weeks the few times we have had a conversation was so you could ask us for something? Sometimes I have come to think that you were simply asking so that we would say no and thus keep our pulse high.
You know that we have always told you that if you ask for something it is because we may say yes, but there is also the possibility that we will say no, and that you have to admit both options, since otherwise you are trying to impose your will on us and ask. It is a rhetorical way of announcing to us what you are going to do.
When we deny you something, you respond as if we were denying you what you are entitled to. If you had the right, you wouldn’t have to ask for it, like breakfast, bed, or school. You don’t have to ask us.
In reality, it would be good for you to understand that thank God, literally, you have all your rights covered, and we live 24 hours a day, seven days a week, and every day of the year surrounded by privileges.
You don’t have the right to have a room to yourself, not even because you are the oldest.
You have no right to have a dog. Not even riding a horse. Nor to arrive at 11:30 p.m. when you leave. Nor to have a mobile phone and have us pay for it.
All of those are privileges. Superficial, capricious, avoidable.
You do not have the right to have siblings, but you are privileged to have 2 wonderful sisters and a brother. It is true that now it seems that you only appreciate their defects and that you only perceive that they invade your living space, but that way of looking at them is preventing you from enjoying all their virtues.
You don’t have the right to go to school. Not anymore. Nor do I consider it a duty, as many parents think. It is a true privilege that because of our systematic criticism of the system, perhaps we have made you believe that it was a punishment. Sorry if we have led you astray. It is true, the education system in Spain can clearly be improved, but not having a school is infinitely worse.
I have been saying for years as a professional that adolescence is the only evil that time cures, but as a new father I am often afraid. I’m afraid that what I see in you is not temporary. Now that you are defining your personality, you get stuck in what we are seeing.
It calms me to know that everyone around you, outside the home, perceives your sweetness – that which you have always had and that your siblings haven’t known for years.
Everyone talks about your friendliness, your smile, your great responsibility and your pleasant conversation. That is the daughter that I have always wanted to have and that, when they talk to me about you like that, I recognize instantly.
Daughter, do not allow pride to dominate you. When you get angry with someone, don’t think that acting after a while as if nothing had happened makes everything go away, it only increases the distance between the two of you, even if good manners temporarily cover the gaps. Learn to enjoy the privilege that is living. Every asset you possess, every event that happens to you, you can consider a right, a misfortune or a privilege. In the end you will have the same things and the same things will happen to you, but if you live it as a privilege you will enjoy life infinitely more.
And learn to ask for forgiveness. If you achieve this, you can win in any argument.
I love you completely. Dad.
