Today is the anniversary of my father’s death.
No matter the years, no matter the absence, love remains. It’s one of the lessons that he taught me with his death, since his death.
A few years ago someone suggested to me the possibility that what my brothers and I considered my father to have been, the relationship we had had, was the idealization of a person; that our idea of who he was obeyed more to a chimera fruit of desire than to a person of flesh and blood.
Since then, I have considered that possibility many times. Could it be that I have dehumanized my father, attributing to him characteristics that did not belong to him, or abolishing in my mind defects that characterized him?
I have often reviewed my memories and, because I was the youngest and suffered his death when I was only sixteen years old, the stories and anecdotes that I have been told about him. I have looked, above all, for defects or errors that would humanize him, that would demystify him, without success.
But how have all of us brothers been able to form an idyllic image of someone who was, perhaps, vulgarly human? Are all of us, the nine of us, really wrong?
Maybe yes. My father may have been a man who did nothing worth noting. There are several episodes in his life that made him escape from mediocrity or the ordinary at very specific moments in his life. And he always lived up to it. On one occasion he reached heroism, but we already know that in Spain, that is soon forgotten.
But beyond those specific events, the important thing is how he behaved and how he related to those he had close to him in his daily life. If it is true that we have been able to idealize him, it has been thanks to the fact that his behavior and the way he treated everyone was, in all eyes, impeccable.
The relationship between my parents always conveyed fun – they had a lot of fun together. When my father was at home (he was an Iberia pilot) they were always together. Always. They were happy together. It’s hard for me to remember a time when, with my father at home, they weren’t together. I don’t know if you can idealize a father who would rather do anything than spend time with his wife. Or those who do everything possible to have “his time” – his golf, his padel, his mus, his football, his reading…
Of course, there was always the utmost respect between them. We never heard them argue. In fact, if our mother did not lie to us and did not use the lie to make us idealize her relationship, in their thirty-one years of marriage they only got angry on one occasion – of course over something minor.
I wonder if children who have seen their parents yell at each other, be verbally or physically attacked, or ignore each other for days… can idealize any of them.
We never heard him say anything derogatory or anything negative about my mother. It wouldn’t fit in her mind.
I have met parents who do not miss the opportunity to point out the mother’s defects (real or not) to her children, who do not hesitate to say publicly “are you stupid or what?” I find it difficult that someone who has heard his father criticize his mother, sometimes systematically, can idealize him.
My father was characteristically helpful. He never stopped doing a favor for anyone who asked him. And the others knew it. If he was in his power, they could take it for granted that this favor would be fulfilled.
I suppose it must be very difficult to idealize a father who finds it difficult to do favors, or who, being unable to do them, only knows how to issue debts: “so-and-so owes me a favor.”
My father was loyal. He was deeply loyal. I would say that it is the word that best defines him (at least in my mind). Of course, he was loyal – faithful – to my mother.
I know many children who adore their fathers and, despite knowing that they have been unfaithful to their mothers, they have never stopped loving them, but I suppose they cannot idealize them.
My father was loyal to his values. Whenever necessary he defended them (between the ages of sixteen and nineteen he did so physically). He did not hesitate to argue if someone questioned something that he appreciated and valued. He never doubted the truth and never stopped defending it.
I don’t know if I could have idealized a father who had changed his values or who would not have been able to defend them.
My father was always loyal to his company. He loved and cared for Iberia down to the smallest details. I remember how angry he would be if he found out that any of us had brought a blanket from the plane on one of our trips. That wasn’t ours, he was from Iberia!
I suppose it will be difficult to idealize a father who has tried to impose his values or beliefs on you with a heavy hand, or with impositions. Probably in that case, the result will be just the opposite of what the father wanted. It is not difficult for me to idealize someone who was always coherent.
I remember that on one occasion we argued over a discrepancy in our values and our way of seeing life. Even though I was only fourteen, it was a formal, serious discussion. Like any argument, we both ended without giving in, and we stuck to our respective ideas. He ended the discussion by saying: “Nachete, I don’t agree with you at all, but I am very happy to see how you have defended your ideas, and that you have been able to remain firm in your beliefs. I hope you are always able to stay this strong.”
Do we idealize my father? Maybe so what?
If we have, it is certainly his fault. He never behaved in a way that prevented us from doing so.
I believe that many of the problems of today’s youth are because parents – their behaviors and their ways of treating those around them – prevent their children from not only idealizing them, but from even considering them as a reference.
I know young people who cut themselves on their bodies, young people who search in drugs, in sex, in series or on Instagram, for something that they cannot find in their parents. Suicide rates in young people are only increasing. Young people (and not so young) who are convinced that the most important thing in their life is themselves – their work, their success, their… – The identity crises so frequent today in young people…
It may be that today – due to several factors – it is more difficult than before to be (a good) father – but the reality is that it has never been easy and always, in all times, in all cultures, there have been those who have known how to behave impeccably and have managed to be a role model for their children, like others who have lost the opportunity to become the husband and father that their wife and children deserved.
The world would be much better if all children had parents who were easy to idealize.
I don’t want my children to idealize me, but I’m terrified to think that something about my behavior could prevent them from doing so.
