Victor and Angela are a young couple who, after five years of dating, plan to get married in the near future. They have already taken an important step, sharing a mortgage for their future home. However, they feel insecure and doubt their relationship, putting into question the marriage they have planned. They decide to come to me for guidance.
In this type of situation, it is difficult to offer clear advice. In reality, more than advising, the goal is to help them understand what situation they are in and how they can address their doubts.
What not to do in a relationship crisis
Bad advice could be to suggest that they break up, saying that “they are not for each other.” This statement would not only be hasty, but also unfair since in many cases crises are temporary and part of the natural process of any relationship. It is also not appropriate to suggest that they relax their minds with relaxation techniques and avoid facing problems, as this could lead to ignoring essential issues that need to be resolved.
The path to reflection and understanding
The key in these kinds of moments is to find the root of the doubt. In my conversation with them, I spoke to them about the “promised land,” using the example of the people of Israel, who after leaving slavery in Egypt, aspired to reach a land that flowed with milk and honey. The project was promising, but the path was full of difficulties.
What happens when we take on responsibilities? What happens when we leave our comfort zone and face the challenges that come with adult life, outside the protection of our parents? The people of Israel faced the temptation to return to Egypt, to their former life of slavery, because freedom is uncomfortable, uncertain and full of responsibilities. However, true freedom is precisely assuming those responsibilities and commitments, even if it means facing risks and sacrifices.
The importance of leaving the comfort zone
Likewise, Victor and Angela understood that the comfort zone—represented by the protection of their family homes—was no longer enough to grow as a couple and as individuals. They understood that, although the path to marriage can be challenging, it is worth leaving it in order to reach that “promised land” that is life as a couple, based on mutual commitment.
Strengthening as a couple
I asked them about the “manna” that would help them continue on their path. What nourished them spiritually and emotionally in their relationship? In many difficult moments, the tree of problems can cloud the view of the forest. So I asked them: what were those moments when they could stop, pause from their worries and simply feed on the relationship they shared? They discovered that it had been a while since they had gone out to dinner together, or even to walk or enjoy small moments of rest.
By taking these “parentheses,” they were able to restore their spirits, reconnect with each other, and breathe new life into their relationship. This simple act of meeting again allowed them not only to save their relationship, but to grow as individuals and as a couple.
Personal growth through responsibilities
Taking on responsibilities helps us mature. Avoiding them, on the other hand, leaves us trapped in an immature mindset, which can impede our development and happiness. Sometimes in life we encounter problems that we cannot avoid, but facing them and taking them on gives us the opportunity to grow, mature, and live as adults.
Finally, after reflecting, Victor and Angela realized that their life project together was still an exciting dream: to have a home of their own, start a family, and walk through life together. The vision of their future gave them the energy and commitment necessary to move forward with their relationship and their marriage plans.
An ending of hope and growth
After a few months, after having followed this process of reflection and self-knowledge, I spoke to them again. Not only had their relationship become stronger, but they had also grown as people, willing to take on the responsibilities that life as a couple entails. Marriage stopped being a fear, but became a real and tangible project, full of hope and commitment.
This story of Victor and Angela is a reminder that pre-marital difficulties are not necessarily a sign that a relationship is destined to fail. Sometimes, they are the beginning of personal and couple growth that can lead to a full and happy married life.
