We all want to be happy, and we have within our reach one of the most beautiful keys to achieve it: forgiveness. Forgiveness is the highest expression of love and, consequently, what most transforms the human heart. However, there is a great obstacle that makes it difficult, and that is resentment.
In this interview with Exaudi, Monsignor Francisco Ugarte Corcuera addresses the subject of resentment, reflects on the beauty of forgiveness, and offers some suggestions to apply in daily life.
Who is Francisco Ugarte?
Monsignor Francisco Ugarte Corcuera was born in Guadalajara, Mexico. He has a Licentiate and a Master’s in Philosophy from Mexico’s Autonomous University and a Doctorate in Philosophy from Rome’s University of the Holy Cross. He has been Professor and Director of the Philosophy Career and Academic Director of the Pan-American University.
He was ordained a priest in 1980. From 2002 to 2017 he was the Opus Dei’s Vicar for Mexico. At present, he is the Opus Dei’s Delegate for Mexico and El Salvador. He has carried out ample pastoral work and given innumerable conferences on anthropological subjects. Distinguished among his publication is “To Be Happy, Live in Reality,” “From Resentment to Forgiveness: A Door to Happiness,” “Envy of the Bad, Envy of the Good,” “The Way of Happiness,” “What Is Friendship? Understand It to Live It,” all published by Rialp.
In Sunday homilies he explains the Readings of the Bible read in the Mass, to facilitate the faithful’s understanding of them and their application in daily life. This service can be received every week on WhatsApp.
Why write a book that addresses the human problem of resentment and the subject of forgiveness?
The reason that led me to write the book is my having verified that many people who could be happy — because they have sufficient reasons to be so – are not happy because they have within them a problem that impedes it and, often, this is resentment. I wanted to promote happiness, so I realized clearly that I had to explain what resentment is, because it is an obstacle to happiness and its possible solutions. So I could help people to regain happiness.
Sometimes it’s easy to forgive, at others not. Why does this happen?
It depends on the type of offense. If the offense is minor it will be easier to forgive than if it is great. One’s personal situation influences this: if the offense touches a fiber that is important for the one offended, then he will feel more wounded and it will be more difficult to forgive. For instance, if a person is very sensitive and has a physical defect for which he is criticized, then he will feel the criticism as a great aggression. Someone else, who might have the same defect but doesn’t take it so seriously, will be affected much less by the same criticism, and it will be easier for him to forgive. There is a third aspect, which depends on the characteristics of the person offending: if the latter is far away or unknown it will be easier to forgive him than if he is closer and his offenses affect one more. It’s easier to forgive a stranger than someone close to you. However, when love is great it will always make forgiving easier.
How can I realize that I am a resentful person?
The difference between feeling and resentment is to “feel” the wound, to “feel” the offense. Resentment means to “feel” the wound “again,” which means that the offense has stayed inside the person and has become obsessive, namely, the person lives concentrated on that event and feels the offense again as if it were totally real despite the fact that time has gone by. How can one know if a person is resentful? By realizing that he lives concentrated on his wound and if so, he is resentful. Instead, if the offense is handled more naturally, without accumulating it within and concentrating on it, then we can believe there is no resentment there.
Is to forgive to forget? Do they both produce the same effect?
We have all heard the expression “I forgive but I don’t forget.” If the person doesn’t want to forget, deep down it means he doesn’t want to forgive; I think this happens in the majority of cases. On the other hand, when a person forgives, it doesn’t mean that he automatically forgets the offense received, because it stays in the memory. In fact, the decision to forgive is an act of the will, which consists in saying: I cancel the moral debt the other contracted with me and I will try to proceed as if nothing had happened. Something else is when the aggressor hasn’t rectified his way and a latent danger continues to exist that he will offend me again. In this case, it’s correct to recall what transpired to avoid it being repeated, both for the good of the person offended, who has the right to protect himself, as well as for the good of the other to help him not to repeat his aggressive behavior. Therefore, to forgive is not the same as to forget, but we can say that in ordinary circumstances, to forgive is to want to forget.
To forgive calls for re-establishing the relationship one had with the other before the offense was committed” . . . This isn’t simple. How can it be achieved? How can the path of forgiveness be followed?
Indeed, it’s not simple, given that resentment is in the emotional order; forgiveness, instead, is a rational act, an act of the will, not properly of feeling. If we are able to distinguish between these two ambits, which are usually intertwined, if we succeed in understanding what an emotion is, a feeling, and what a decision of the will is, I believe things are clarified.
When a person forgives, it doesn’t mean that his feelings disappear automatically, or the memory of the incident. The ideal is that that forgiveness leads to the feelings changing as well. It is compatible, initially, to forgive and continue feeling hatred, rejection and even the desire for vengeance against the other person, however, what is important in these cases is not to consent to those feelings, that one be firm in saying: “I have forgiven already and I don’t accept what I’m feeling.”
To succeed in having negative feelings transformed towards the person I’ve forgiven, it would be enough to follow two very significant counsels of the Catechism of the Catholic Church. The first is to change the wound into compassion,” which means that if someone has offended me and I am able to understand the person that offended me and realize that he is harming himself, I will feel compassion towards him and this feeling will gradually eliminate my feelings of hatred, rejection or vengeance. The second counsel is to transform the wound into intercession,” which means that if I feel the wound and continue to feel it, I take advantage of it to pray for the person that has offended me. The fact of praying to God for that person who has wounded me is also a way of purifying my feelings and a means for God to help me transform them into positive feelings. To forgive is the highest expression of love and, consequently, it’s what most transforms the human heart.
How to forgive the unforgivable?
To forgive is a human act; it is the person that forgives. However, it can happen that the offense is of such magnitude and force that it is humanly impossible to forgive it. There are situations in life (a murder, an abduction, a violation, etcetera), which can only be forgiven with divine help because human strength is insufficient. In these cases it’s only possible to forgive by counting on God’s help, asking Him to give us the strength we lack to take the step to forgiveness.
Can a person who doesn’t believe in God forgive?
Yes, a good person who loves can forgive. If we place ourselves in the case of the unforgivable when human strength isn’t enough and recourse to God must be taken, such a person could certainly receive from God the grace to forgive; however, as ordinarily, he doesn’t believe in God, he will not go to Him to ask for this support and, without it he will probably be unable to forgive completely.
How does God’s grace help us to take this step?
I would even go further back. Forgiveness in itself brings many benefits in several orders of life. Beginning with the physical order, it has been demonstrated scientifically that one who forgives experiences a reduction of the substance called cortisol, which generates stress and tension in the organism. In the emotional order, a person who forgives gains much ground as he reduces the level of wrath and anger becomes more optimistic, and reduces depression. On the existential level, one who forgives regains peace, happiness that he possibly lost on consenting to resentment.
In the spiritual order, let us recall what Jesus Christ said: ”forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.” He points out as a condition to be forgiven by God that we forgive others. The key that opens the heart so that divine forgiveness can enter is the act of forgiving freely one who has offended us. Therefore, forgiveness brings a spiritual benefit of great importance: to receive God’s forgiveness so that the soul remains clean and able to live very close to Him.
Can you share with us some experiences of the benefits of forgiveness in souls, which you have witnessed in your pastoral work?
A frequent experience is to meet people who say: “I can’t forgive and, as Jesus Christ said that for Him to forgive us we need first to forgive, then I can’t receive forgiveness,” and they leave the Church, the Sacraments because they think they can’t be forgiven. When it’s explained to them that forgiveness is not a feeling, but an act of the will, namely, the decision to cancel the moral debt the other person contracted on offending them, then they can forgive even if they are unable to change their feelings at that moment. They take the step and feel great peace. One must clarify for them that, if the negative feelings reappear, they must not consent to them, then they will be ratifying their decision to forgive. To understand this opens a completely new world.
When a person repents sincerely of his sins, speaks clearly about what happened, makes a good Confession, and receives absolution, one sees their great joy. For me, the joy of a person forgiven by God through the Sacrament of Confession is one of the principal satisfactions I receive as a priest.
For example, news reached me of a married couple that were about to break up, but, after reading the book “From Resentment to Forgiveness: A Door to Happiness,” they rectified their behavior, reconciled, and have moved on.
