I have to confess something. I’m afraid of losing. To lose what?
If I said this out loud, the one that would form! The whispers, the sidelong glances, the soft giggles… As if she were watching him. But it seems to me that I am not so brave. It seems that with ink things are said more easily.
I’m afraid of losing so many things…
Fear of wasting time, that it is slipping through my fingers, that today is one day and tomorrow is another, and I find myself in the middle of the days that pass faster and faster, without asking. It’s time to change the calendar, taking out the thumbtacks to remove one and put another. Although maybe I’ll decide not to put any spare ones, because I think it’s not doing me any good to cross out the days if I discover that most of them have passed unnoticed, without me realizing it.
I have looked at the numbers, the months and the days many times, and in reality nothing has changed, there they are, days and days in which I have done nothing but waste time. Then I try to get it back, as if my life was going away in them, and believe me, it goes away, not at all, none of those lost days come back. Indeed, the train passes and there is no turning back. That’s why I’m afraid, because the days have slipped away from me on things that I could have put aside, to occupy myself with things that were truly important.
Compared to the ten seconds it takes to get a smile for someone else, I have spent hours on “serious things”, without any productivity. If my calculations are correct, I think I would have generated more joy and communion with a couple of smiles rather than with thousands of hours spent completing my tasks perfectly.
I don’t know if there is a fixed price for a good conversation, which is never equal to mobile or computer messages, no matter how hard we try, the price always seems higher than normal. “Time is money,” we like to say, but if you look closely, many times we exchange gold for the trinkets of immediacy, as I say, the internet, the fastest connection, the broadband of our network, will never be possible. Compare it with the treasure of a look, a hug and, if possible, a “I love you”, real and true.
I am afraid of wasting time on useless things that lead to nothing, that take up space and empty the soul. I would like to embrace time, apologize for not paying attention to it and promise it more love and care. But oh my fragility! That I am incapable of changing course, slowing down and stopping trying to manage something so precious, leaving mine to live God’s time.
Sometimes I take out the stopwatch to measure each second, so that I don’t forget anything I have to do, now this, now that… suddenly God arrives and disrupts the plans, everything turns upside down and even the most perfect plan is turned upside down. . Opportunity or problem? It depends on the heart that lives it.
I’m afraid of losing the battle. So many times life becomes a combat that leaves us exhausted, without the strength to continue, and I am afraid of losing or perhaps letting myself win. If the world knew for a moment what goes through my mind and my heart, I think they would not dare to approach me, because in truth, the words I say often do not agree with what I live inside of me. How easy it is to pronounce sentences, give advice, talk too much… it’s really easy, but a constant battle is unleashed within me, evil makes its triumphant entry and I find myself without realizing it, judging, giving my opinion, showing how well I do things. things…vain and meaningless talk.
I am afraid of losing my security, that my projects will fail, that the four scaffoldings that I have put up to support my arguments will collapse because I discover that God’s plans are different. It is very nice to say “my will for God, let Him do and undo as He wants.” Yes, it looks beautiful, but just scratch your soul a little to see that deep down we have thousands and thousands of plans that we would love to see go as planned. I am afraid of losing the papers where I have been adding the most precise instructions to keep the forms, to look more or less good and not scare too much with so much openness and spontaneity.
In short, I think that behind all these fears, there is one that encompasses everything and I suppose it is the fear of letting myself get lost. It seems like a tongue twister, but there is reality itself, my most patent and tangible humanity. Allowing yourself to be lost means lowering your defenses, raising your gaze upward, losing your sanity a little to live in the madness of God, which is a continuous waste of love.
Allowing yourself to be lost means loving at a loss without charging interest or asking for loans, loving even if instead of love what we receive is contempt. Letting ourselves be lost also means forgiving without guarantees or returns of other forgiveness from those people who have caused us wounds, forgiving with the decision to heal even when we are still in the gap of pain. At the end of the day, letting yourself be lost to let yourself be won by Christ. Losing to win, because by losing what we are not, we gain what in reality we always were, and we have not yet realized very well: beloved and resurrected children, rescued from all slavery by Him who is true Love, principle and foundation, beginning and goal of our career.
Sister Mihaela María Rodríguez Vera – Order of Preachers – O.P. (Dominicans) – Monastery of Santa Ana de Murcia
