Around 1996, I read Daniel Goleman’s book on Emotional Intelligence. I was pleasantly struck by the quote from Aristotle that begins the first page of his book: “So then, he who is angry with the right people, and with whom it is right, and also as, when, and for the right time, is to be praised. Such a one would be gentle (…); for he who is gentle wants to be calm and not be driven by passion, but to be angry in the manner, for the reasons, and for the time that reason dictates. (…). It is not easy to specify how, with whom, for what reasons, and for how long we should be angry, nor even the limits within which we act rightly or sin” (Nicomachean Ethics). Aristotle is referring to the virtue of gentleness, one of the modes of anger.

This rediscovery of the will (wanting) and the passions (desires, tendencies) that Goleman makes is a central axis of his research on emotional intelligence. At the heart of this description of the serene and calm person is the idea of ​​measure, the golden mean, between excess, blind anger, and a defect, cold impassivity. The idea is not to cultivate an unshakable spirit in the face of any negative event. Rather, it is about finding the emotionally intelligent measure that puts our irritation in its place, since reasons for worry and irritation abound. In our daily lives, we see and/or suffer flagrant injustices, arrogant behavior, and sudden annoyances. As Aristotle rightly points out and Goleman confirms, it is not easy to find the emotional golden mean to keep us from losing our temper.

A choleric person, in addition to being bile-filled, can’t fully control his temper. He gets irritated by the slightest thing, jumps at the first sign of anger, and reacts disproportionately to any situation that upsets him. Those around him will tell him, “Relax, what’s irritating you isn’t that big a deal.” He also often chooses the wrong person to vent his bad mood on: he’s upset and vents on anyone he encounters: family, coworkers, and friends suffer. Likewise, a choleric person goes overboard in showing his displeasure. This frequently happens in traffic, in response to bad maneuvers that upset us. We react strongly, and it’s easy to get carried away by our temper, showing our displeasure in the worst possible way and with a prolonged reprimand, bordering on excess. Yes, experience teaches us that it’s not easy to maintain the emotional balance.

Bitterness adds a harmful ingredient to irritability. Aristotle points out that bitter people contain their anger, encapsulate it, and constantly ruminate on it. They become excessively irritated and seek revenge as a remedy for their grief. As long as there is no revenge, anger continues to drain the soul of the bitter person, as it is very difficult for them to digest. Unlike those who keep treasures in their hearts, bitter people store harmful feelings that manifest themselves in toxic behaviors and, sometimes, in ruthless acts. Curiously, Aristotle notes, they are annoying to themselves and their loved ones.

Anger, bitterness, and intransigence are excesses to which we are exposed. They harm us and we harm others. They generate explosive situations that make coexistence difficult. It is not easy, says the wise Aristotle, “to specify how, with whom, for what reasons and for how long we should be irritated, nor even the limits within which we act rightly or sin (…). But at least one thing is clear, that the intermediate disposition, according to which we are irritated with whom we should, for the right reasons, as we should, and so on with the other qualifications, is praiseworthy, and that excesses and defects are reprehensible.” It is difficult, of course, but how beneficial it is to train oneself in this virtue so as not to lose one’s temper.