The priest and psychotherapist Alfons Gea offers this article in which he reflects on preparing the family for next Christmas.
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There is no doubt that family is a permanent desire. We need to love someone and have them love us. The family is the first place of learning and experiencing the affection that nourishes the person.
We all know that the most desired and precious thing around us is the family. Not only according to surveys, but according to therapists who find the origin of psychological difficulties in the family, both in development and in adulthood.
In many cases, Christmas involves staging the conflicts covered up during the year, historical disagreements, misunderstandings, etc., so that many people breathe before the end of the Christmas cycle.
Fortunately, there are also many who take advantage of any moment to get together and share life, celebrating the birth of Jesus.
We propose twelve steps, twelve months, to work on aspects of the family in order to heal our family relationship.
More than a working script, they are themes to internalize, giving us the necessary time to transform ourselves, to carry out the metamorphosis towards satisfactory relationships.
We propose to follow the months of the year, but obviously you can change the order, or choose only those that will help us the most to be a family.
There they go:
January. The first thing is to think of the family as something sacred, where God becomes visible. It is a sacrament of God in the world. God is relationship. The union of man and woman, motherhood and fatherhood, are aspects that exceed the individual. Being a father, mother, son, grandfather, grandson, exceeds the individual. As an ecosystem that must be preserved, this is how the family is for society. The hand of God makes it sacred and thus deserves to be protected and admired.
February. We do not choose family, unlike friends, who are our choice. This is something that is often repeated. Friends, on the other hand, can vary throughout life, or the relationship with them can also vary, becoming more intense or vaporous over time. We do not choose the family, just as Joseph and Mary did not choose to be the parents of Jesus. They were given being family, as a gift, a gift. The holy family of Nazareth is the fruit of Joseph and Mary’s response to God’s gift. A humble, grateful and available response. A gift should be received like this, to enjoy it.
March: The family is union in diversity. We are different, and we complement and enrich each other. The problem is turning diversity into a rivalry. Differences in terms of rivalry are destructive. Deep down, the jealous person is a masochist, he seeks the pain of being inferior, claiming from others the importance that he deep down does not give to himself.
April. The union is forged with mutual recognition of Being someone for someone. The first identity we receive is in the family. We are receivers of what others tell us, they send us with their words and silences, and at the same time we are bearers of meaning for others. We give identity. Inescapably, we are united to our family. Elisabeth recognizes Mary as the mother of her Lord. María, for her part, recognizes in Elisabeth her cousin that she needs help. There is an exchange of recognitions, of identities.
May. Faith in the possibilities of the other. Elisabeth congratulates María for believing. Happy are you, who have believed. And the Mother of Jesus herself advances the time, when she tells her son the lack of wine at the wedding in Cana. She believes and expects a miracle from Jesus. He will be the first and is born from the trust of his mother. The family is responsible for building self-esteem and self-confidence. We believe in what is possible because someone believes in us, giving us responsibilities as children and encouraging possibilities for growth.
June. Misunderstandings, outbursts, and conflicts are inevitable. Jesus is lost in the temple, it was necessary for him to take care of his father’s things. It was his vocation. José and María do not understand it. There are processes of change that last years. There are positions that evolve towards the opposite of what was manifested. Breaking up because you don’t know how to wait means messing up many things. María kept all those things in her heart. Silence, prayer and waiting become necessary to obtain what is expected.
July. Hierarchy is necessary. Hierarchy is not power, but rather a service of responsibility. Someone has to make decisions and take responsibility. Joseph takes the child and his mother, and they flee to Egypt. When no one decides, the law of the strongest is established. Tyrants, including children, if you’ll excuse the joke, are born from a lack of power. They can be converted into hierarchical power without having the capacity or knowledge. Dialogue does not eliminate the responsibility of deciding.
August. Obedience, different from submission. It involves working on a common project. Put all our strength into our family project. The opposite is the disintegration of forces and the breakdown of the common project. Jesus returned to his parents and grew in obedience and wisdom.
September. Almost an obligation is to enjoy together, outings, meals, being at home, etc. Firstly, if we do not enjoy life, even if it is sacrificed, we are losing strength for the fight. Such self-sacrificing and suffering parents inadvertently transmit the message that life is bitter, and that, therefore, it doesn’t matter whether you work or study. Secondly, when we laugh together, we facilitate the more natural expression of who we are and we get to know each other better and the bonds of unity are strengthened. It’s easier to talk about uncomfortable topics later.
October. The family is not an enclosure where we indulge in self-indulgence. The desire for perfection cannot exclude what is outside. We are part of society. It is a good for humanity. What we are has an impact on others and at the same time we are part of other more global projects such as the church or the nation. The new air vitalizes the room. The shepherds went to see the messiah and found him, with Mary and Joseph.
November. The main protagonist is God the father, creator. He is present in the love of the spouses, blessing their union. He manifests himself in the mystery of the life of the son who is born. The illness, the difficulties, the joys are different, under the prism of faith. God accompanies us, especially if we let him.
December. The strength, the driving force and the renewal of the family is in prayer. Jesus prayed, recited the psalms. He had learned in a Jewish family. Mary and Joseph make their lives a cult of the Father. Joseph listens and obeys the angel in his dreams. The three are discovering the will of God. Without the intimate and total relationship with God, the sacred family cannot be understood.
Holy family, Mary Jesus, Mary and Joseph, pray for us.
